This has been a terrible day for a number of people. The weather is horrible here in the Northeast. I wish instead of being able to press the snooze button, I could press RESET instead and try this day all over again. As a Jets fan, I wish I could have done this almost every Sunday over the past 13 seasons. But I am not alone in having a miserable day. Here's who I think is having it the worst.
5. People Who Love The Film Series "The Expendables"
This fourth movie in this series hit the box office with a sad whimper. Despite costing $100 million dollars to make, it only made $8 million dollars this weekend. I have to imagine this will be the last Expendables for a long time. The next time they make one, it might be with the Chris' (Pine, Pratt and Evans). It seems like this recent movie was dreadful. It has a 16% rotten tomatoes score. Imagine spending $100 million dollars in 2023 on a movie with Sylvester Stallone and Jason Statham?
4. Tampa Bay Rays Fans
This is barely enough people to be defined as a group but it should still count. They lost 9-5 today to the Blue Jays but even worse for them was the Orioles won and extended the AL East lead to 2.5 games with only 5 games left. Losing the division puts the Rays in a tough spot as they will have to play the Wild Card Round next week despite winning 95+ games.
It honestly hasn't been a great week for them. While they are staying in Tampa Bay, they are building yet another dome. Not a retractable roof…but another fucking dome. More indoors baseball for Rays fans who must be used to having an owner in Stuart Sternberg who has been over his head since he took the team over nearly 20 years ago.
3. Calvin Coolidge
Calvin Coolidge has been dead for 90 years. That's not going to lend yourself to having a good Sunday. Before he died he said "I feel I no longer fit in with these times." So he was pretty miserable with how stuff looked in 1933. Imagine if he is some roaming ghost now? I was born in 1979 and I barely feel like I fit in with these times. Cal would be so miserable if he still walks among us.
2. Jets/Broncos/Jags/Vikings fans
All four of these fan bases are in varying degrees of being fucked. The Jets can't score 11 points with Zack Wilson. The Jaguars might be the regression team of 2023. The Vikings should do a fire sale and trade everything they can and start over. I can speak for all Jets fans when I say that we will give our 1st round pick and some combination of three fingers and/or toes for Kirk Cousins.
The Broncos might have had the worst day of this group. Giving up 70 points to the Dolphins is fucking wild. Watching that game as a Broncos fan must be like someone slicing off all your skin and then having them wear it while they commit various crimes and embarrassing sexual acts. You want to say something so people don't think it's actually you but you are helpless. Who would believe someone with no skin?
1. Kelly Keegs
It's not easy being a Jets fan but at least we can trick ourselves into hope each off-season. Imagine if Taylor Swift marries Travis Kelce? This would be years and years of pain for Keegs. She thinks Travis Kelce is pretty corny for some reason.
Keegs loves Taylor Swift so much and now she'll have to endure all things Kelce. As a football fan, I love Travis Kelce. He's so much fun to watch. He's the best tight end ever. But imagine dealing with Travis Kelce if you didn't like football?
I can't wait to see Keegs react to Taylor's next album called someone like "Fun Partyyyyyy!" where she sings about having a simple life. Complicated life challenges that women have to deal with? Not in her songbook anymore. Now it's a life of French Toast and fart jokes. Taylor Swift might have to turn off the new National album so she can cuddle with Kelce and watch Remember The Titans for the third time that week.
Travis Kelce becoming the 2023 version of Yoko Ono just did the impossible and made Kelly Keegs hate football even more.