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"God gives His toughest battles to His strongest soldiers." - My Mother and Dave Portnoy

I was surfing through my timeline on Twitter this morning (I feel silly calling it "X"), and I came across this...

Fucking Dave.

In one of my darkest hours as a young adult, my elderly Irish mother held me to her breast and in her faint Irish brogue, whispered in my ear...

 "Mickey, always remember that God only gives His toughest battles to His strongest soldiers."  

We were living only 2 neighborhoods over from Coney Island at the time (shoutout Gerritsen Beach, Brooklyn), and her words gave me the inspiration I needed to dig myself out of a hole that I put myself into.  And that experience shaped me into the man I am today.

Fast forward 30 years, stay near Coney Island, but replace my septuagenarian Mick mom with my 40-something Jewish boss, and the same inspirational words get uttered... Albeit, under decidedly less dire circumstances.

As a result, I went to the One Bite Pizza Fest website, dialed up 2 of the last available VIP tickets, told my son Finnegan that he was missing football practice, and gassed up my expensive German sedan for the trip to Brooklyn... I was going to take my mother as well, but tix are a tad pricey, TBH.  Plus, she's more of a tea & scones-type gal.

Bettmann. Getty Images.

("One bite, everyone knows the feckin' rules, ya filthy coonts.")

Anyhoo… Finn and I are now racing down the New Jersey Turnpike with clear eyes and empty bellies, ready to take on God's challenge of eating our faces off while listening to Pup Punk in the worst conditions that cunt Mother Nature decided to throw at us.

As long as I am sucking Dave's dick… Here's one more thing.

Even though I write on a big platform like Barstool Sports, I don't consider myself a serious writer (neither does the vitriolic Comment Section, I assume), and I certainly never refer to what I do as "journalism."  But after this week's antics and the subsequent BITCH SLAP Dave laid down on some immoral literary HACK, I have realized that I hold myself to a higher professional standard than the so-called journalists at The Washington Post.  So, going forward, I will proudly check the journalism box on any questionnaire asking for my profession… And my catalog of blogs is primarily made up of GIFs like this…

And finally, here's a couple of sentences I never thought I would write- 

Thank you, Mom. Thank you, Dave. And God bless America.

Giphy Images.


Now let's go eat some fucking pizza in Brooklyn.

Take a report.


Kickoff has been pushed back an hour, so there is still time to join me in God's country…