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Shitty Woman Rescued After Being A Complete Nasty Ass And Trying To Retrieve Her Apple Watch From An Outhouse

OTSEGO COUNTY, Mich. (WJRT) - Authorities rescued a woman who became trapped in an outhouse toilet at a Northern Michigan boat launch on Tuesday morning.

Michigan State Police say the woman, who was not identified, dropped her Apple Watch into the toilet at the Dixon Lake boat launch in Otsego County around 11 a.m. She then climbed down into the pit to retrieve it.

Police say the woman was unable to get herself out of the toilet and began yelling for help. Bystanders heard her cries for help and called 911.

Michigan State Police troopers, Michigan Department of Natural Resources conservation officers and Otsego County EMS workers pulled the toilet off the pit and hoisted the woman to safety with a strap.

First of all, I'd like to apologize to the woman in the thumbnail. She didnt climb into the portajohn but we have to use getty images now so I simply had no choice. I hope the Daily Beast is happy with themselves. 

The plight of the poor truly knows no bounds. Not only are rent prices high as fuck around the country but people are struggling to make ends meet. 

I mean, the cost of getting McDonald's delivered to our office here in Chicago is 27 dollars. 27 dollars for a chicken biscuit with round egg and cheese added and an egg mcmuffin on the side and a large coke to polish that bad boy off. 27 dollars. Poors cant do that. Hell, I can barely do that. I do but I shouldn't. 

Now, an Apple Watch is expensive. Make no mistake about that. But is it worth it to climb into a public outhouse to retrieve it? I submit to you that no it is not. The amount of illnesses you can contract while swimming in squalor is outrageous. I'm talkin about exposure to gastrointestinal infections such as gastroenteritis, E. coli, Salmonella, or norovirus. That's right. Even norovirus. 

That being said, the news station and reporters were as kind as you can possibly be. They had full right to publish this poopy princess' name but didn't. She should send them flowers, candy, food, blowies, presents, and booze. She owes them that. There is simply no way to recover. For the rest of your life youd be known as the outhouse lady. Besides the diseases that youd probably catch, having the entire internet knowing you went into an outhouse for a watch that basically only tracks your steps is something youll never move past.

PS: 

I asked Kate, White Sox Dave, and Nicky Smokes what they'd crawl into an outhouse to retrieve...

Kate- my son...or if I'm drunk at an Eagles game, a pack of lung darts. 

Dave- retirement level cash or his mom but there's a better chance with the cash. 

Nicky Smokes- a Dolphins Super Bowl ring