Snooze God: Blue Jays Pitcher Yusei Kikuchi Blames Cramps On Not Getting His Regular 13-14 Hours Of Sleep

Vaughn Ridley. Getty Images.

Blue Jays lefty Yusei Kikuchi left his start last night against the Yankees in some pain. It was later revealed he was dealing with some cramps, but chalked up the nuisance to not getting a good night's sleep. 

It happens to all of us. Some nights you're rolling around restless, unable to maintain a neutral temperature, the pillow isn't cold enough, there's a car alarm going off outside, and as a result you wake up the next day in shambles. For a guy like myself I tend to get around 6-7 hours of sleep. It's not ideal, but it gets the job done. Yusei Kikuchi found himself in a bad spot after not getting his usual THIRTEEN TO FOURTEEN hours of sleep. Eleven hours of slumber was merely a nap by his standards. We call that BUILT DIFFERENT. 

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If one single time I ever slept 13 to 14 hours I'd just assume I was dying. Not sure if immense sleep is a symptom of cancer but it feels like it would be. I'd wake up in a panic and attempt to retrace my steps to figure out what went wrong. Did I accidentally slam two Nyquills? Was I drugged prior to getting back to my apartment? Did someone fire a tranq dart through my open window without me realizing? I think I'd call my mom and ask what to do. Panic alarms would be blaring throughout my skull. I genuinely could not sleep that long if my life depended on it. 

For Yusei Kikuchi that's just a regular ol' day. Motherfucker is asleep more than he's awake. He's basically a cat if we're being honest. Someone run a DNA test and see if this man is part feline. Don't ask him how McDonald's breakfast is because he's never had a chance for it. Dude wakes up, goes to the park, pitches, and immediately falls asleep. Maybe he just hates being alive and sleep is his grand escape? 

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This got me wondering if Kikuchi has any children? There's no way, right? Wrong, his wife had their son Leo in July of 2019. So this sleep schedule just makes Yusei an absentee father. At least during the season there's no time left in the day to spend time with his child. Incredible. What a cop out to not have to take care of his son. Guy is playing 4d chess while we're all playing tic tac toe. 

This news did pop an idea in my head for opposing teams assuming the Blue Jays hang onto their playoff spot. If Kikuchi has the ball on the road how do you not find the team's hotel and blast music or shoot off fireworks? The blueprint is right there. If Kikuchi fails to get his 13-14 hours he's a wreck. Guy simply cannot function without his mini-coma. Unless he's sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber he has no escape. No youse can't leave, Yusei.