Who Needs The Play of The Year When You Have the Play of 364 Days
On Wednesday, September 13th, at 9:03 AM, I approached the office door, and I noticed that all the lights were on. Immediately, I sensed that something was amiss. The office is NEVER fully illuminated at 9:03, so my Smoke senses were tingling. I walked through the door, exchanged greetings with all the production staff, as I do every morning, and then took a seat on the couch. However, that day felt different. My boss, my hero, the guy who rescued me from being a health insurance slave, was sitting in what I'd like to think of as my seat. It wasn't an issue whatsoever. I'd sit on the bathroom floor if I had to; I know my place.
I walked over to the boss and introduced myself. He asked me how things had been since I got here, and I told him I couldn't be happier; everything is amazing. After some small talk and a Trenta black ice coffee spill, I glanced over at Dave and said, "Can I give you my play of the year?" He responded, "Sure." My heart was pounding, and I didn't know if he was going to tail me or not, but I wasn't going to back down. So, I laid it on him (pause) and told him Bengals -3. A hush fell over the office; he didn't say a word, just looked me in the eyes and said... "I don't know."
Two minutes later, Big Cat, also known as El Gato, walked in and joined the conversation. Despite what you might hear about me from people who've never met me, I'm not a rude guy. You don't just tell one of your bosses your play of the year; you tell both of them, so I did..
The Yak starts and I head to the bathroom and while I'm smelling the 350mg of coffee I drank this morning coming out of my dick, I hear a voice that I recognize but haven't heard in this office. Curiously, I walk back into the office, and all I hear is "READY TO ROLL!!!" Stu, the goat himself, standing right in front of me at all 5'1 of him. I couldn't believe it. I introduced myself to Stu and his wife Sandy, and after some small talk, Stu and I got down to business. I told him about the Bengals -3, and to be fair, he didn't love it, which instantly made me hate my bet, but the damage was already done. I had the Bengals slammed to the bone on Tuesday morning.
Friday, September 15th, 7PM, "Barstool Sports Advisors" drops, my favorite Barstool show of all time. I've never missed one, and despite the disrespect I'm about to explain to you, I will still tune in every Friday. So I'm watching BSA, and all of a sudden, I hear my name dropped. I'm thinking, holy fuck, the boys are going to ride with me, and there's going to be a Nicky Smokes earthquake. I couldn't have been more wrong. There was an earthquake, but it wasn't a Nicky Smokes one; it was a FadeQuake. All three of them took the Ravens +3.5.
Sunday, September 17th, 3:55PM. Fuck Joe Burrow and the Cincinnati Bengals. Lost 1/3 of my paycheck on a QB with one fucking leg. How stupid can I be? I didn't say a word the entire 4:00's I sat there quiet as a mouse. Clinically depressed. I couldn't watch another snap of football so I went on a walk, called my mom and told her I need to start making better life choices.
Sunday, September 17th, 10:30 PM. The Miami Dolphins absolutely dog walk the Patriots in Foxborough and I couldn't be happier. The money I lost from the Bengals bet was already out of my account, the bet was dead, nothing I could do about it, but my Dolphins went into Foxborough and handled business. I wasn't letting anything take that away from me.
Monday, September 18, 9:32 AM. It was a beautiful morning. As I'm cooking Bill Belichick, I see a shadow in the corner of my eye. It wasn't just a regular shadow; it looked as if this person was 7'4. I look up, and I see it's him, El Gato. I thought El Gato was going to congratulate me on my Dolphins being 2-0, but no, he was there to kick the dead horse that had already ascended into heaven. I wasn't going to let the Bengals -3 ruin another day in my life, so I said the unfathomable and claimed I didn't care that my play of the year lost (even though deep down I did). It led to what I thought would be one of the saddest days of my life... Until it wasn't.
Monday, September 18th, 1:56 PM. I couldn't handle the feeling of being banned so I found a loophole. I was banned from game of the year and everything above that tier, but what I wasn't banned from was the border. What's on the border of 365 days? 364. So I created the play of the 364 days and slammed it on the Steelers +2 and they brought it home.
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When life gives you lemons make lemonade. When Big Cat bans you from play of the year, make one anyway (as long as it's within guidelines, not tryna get fired).