Disastrous Failure For Dopy Doughboy During Cincinnati Game On Saturday

Few days late here but somehow didn't see this clip until today and, as it's my new happy place, a few words. 

Dana Beers. If there's a better summation of Dana's impotence, I'm yet to see it. You could teach this clip in business seminars as a cautionary tale for unicorn companies that gain momentum thanks to substantial backing from a crowd-funding campaign, IPO too early, and flop on their face when people realize they're actually worthless, pathetic, sluggish… 

What a footwear choice. You knew what was coming, Dana, and you went with the gigantic, clunky, loose Air Force Ones? Doesn't even look like he tied them tight. Those are boats, you oaf. Like trying to a kick a field goal with an inflatable kayak. Next time, scrounge up a pair of Pumas from the stadium's lost-and-found. We're not asking you to go full cleats here, but give yourself a chance of some loft, no? 

Instead, he kicked an onside kick in front of a hundred thousand Cincinnati students. The stadium was ready to love him, but they couldn't due to his pathetic, childish attempt at kicking a ball. Mind you, this is a young man who averaged 12-10 in high school. In the intervening years, Dana has convinced himself that Halal carts are a "healthy-ish dinner," insulating his skeleton with grease and street meat swimming in sauce such that now, on a stage set for his athletic redemption, he failed so dramatically that one wonders if he understood the assignment. 

It's a field goal, Dana. Through the uprights. We expect that kick from the OC's young daughter. Be better than a daughter, Dana. 

In a strange, desperate effort at humility, Dana then runs some sort of apology arc with his hands up like he's scored a goal against his former club after a trade he didn't want. Then, the moment that wins back the hearts of the Cincinnati faithful: he drops down for some punitive pushups. 

Except… 

Holy lack of depth, Fatman! I'd shame him for not doing real pushups but this may be as deep as his pregnancy will allow him to go. What an absolute disgrace. 

In all fairness to Dana, this must have been intimidating. He crushed the hype up portion. Which only made his neurodegenerative kick all the more disappointing. Then he won them back with those pushups! What a rollercoaster. 

Dana Beers. There's only one like you, bud. Never grow up. Never lose the weight.