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The Barstool Sports Main Account Announced A False Taylor Lewan Retirement Just For Some Clicks And Pissed Off Dave

"All you guys care about is yourself!" "Oh look, another blog describing internal Barstool drama that we don't care about!" "Where's the Castellani 15000 word recap on the Tigers win last night!" "We want more Nicky Smokes!" 

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These are all things I anticipate commented below, but as the premier journalist here at Barstool Sports it is my duty to report on the news, internal or not. While Week 1 of the NFL may feel like Christmas to all of you, it's usually the sign of war times ahead for the social media team at Barstool. While Gaz is off texting Dave Grutman for available reservations that night at Komodo Miami, the rest of his team who have been awake for 16 hours (shoutout Glenny Balls) are essentially slaving away at Barstool HQ which hasn't had a water shipment in months. 

This year is no different. One of our social media guys who is a LITERAL lilac farmer in Sacramento cut up a nasty clip about Taylor Lewan retiring and didn't respect his wishes of saying it was a clear joke. This obviously got Taylor Lewan upset, and in came Dave who just so happens to have 3 free hours of sitting on a plane with WiFi to search Twitter and get mad:

Then came the reveal..

So all roads lead back to the social team, who are now the subject of a Dave lashing on the first week of the season. Reminds me of the time Dave wanted to figure out social media strategy for the fall and Gaz was asleep at noon on the first Sunday of the season:

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Ultimately, we have the best social media team in the business, despite the fact that they suck their own dicks on Twitter celebrating every like 10,000 follower gain which is a little annoying, but deserved nonetheless. They're grinders. 7 days a week in the office type of guys. And every hall-of-fame worthy team is going to have some hiccups so if I were a lilac farmer in Sacramento who got my dream job, I'd keep in mind that Dave is the type of guy to be mad for around 2 hours, get it out, and then never speak about it again. Until someone reminds him of course. I've received some of the worst lashings from that man and here I am 5 years later! Light at the end of the tunnel.

Happy NFL season!