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The Escaped Murderer On The Loose Near Philly Has A Tremendously Healthy Diet

Smitty blogged this story the other day, but there are some major developments I'd like to add. First, we now have an accounting of one of the more terrifying "there's someone in the house and it's the escaped murderer everyone is looking for" standoffs of all time:

NY Times

The French doors were cracked open to the night outside, and someone was down in the kitchen. Ryan Drummond, standing noiselessly at the top of the stairs, was sure he knew who it was.

Grasping a frame with a picture of his wife and children — the only possible weapon at hand — Mr. Drummond, 42, ran through his options. He decided: best to let the intruder understand that he knows he’s in the house. He flicked the lights on and off.

A terrifying moment passed.

Then the lights flicked back in response.

Telling his wife to call the police, Mr. Drummond braced for a potential confrontation, then watched as the man walked to the French doors, carrying a bag and appearing to be in no particular hurry. The police came within minutes, he said, and rushed to the tree line, but the man was gone into the night.

That's it, folks. If you're ever caught up in a debate over whether it sucks more to be a man or a woman, just read this story out loud. Ryan Drummond has three sleeping children in his house and a wife lying next to him and ZERO ability to even pitch a game of rock, paper, scissors for who has to investigate the noise downstairs. Why? Because he was born a man, and fighting to the death with an escaped convict/murderer in your kitchen, with only a fucking FRAMED PHOTO to fight with, is his cross to bear. 

Pretty smart move to try the light trick. It's better than the trepidatious, wobbly "hello?" I would have tossed out there. Saying hello lets the intruder know where you are by voice location, but he has no idea which set of light switches you're using. Thus, Drummond isn't revealing his position. 

But then Danelo Cavelcante decides to respond with the most terrifying trickery in the history of home invasions. He returns the light flickering! Dastardly! What a rascal that murderer is! Can you believe that shit? I suppose you could read that any number of ways. Maybe Danelo is letting him know that two can play the light game. Or maybe he's simply saying hey, I'm on your wavelength, I'm not going to hurt you, just grabbing a few things and I'll be gone shortly. Hopefully we'll get some answers someday. 

Speaking of grabbing things, guess what he took?

All that the man apparently took was a peach, an apple and a handful of snap peas that Mr. Drummond had bought at the farmers’ market earlier that day and had laid out on the counter.

Well, color me impressed. That's incredible caloric restraint from a man who is likely extremely hungry. A peach, an apple, and a handful of snapped peas! A man after my own heart health. This guy should come teach nutrition to our goddamn staff here at Barstool. 

These snack selections have me thinking he's hiding in one spot. If he's doing a lot of running, he'll burn through those fiber-heavy fruits and veggies in no time. Danelo, if you're reading this, you'll want to find some complex carbs to mix in if you decide to make a break for Mexico. I'll leave it there. Not trying to aid and abet a wanted felon.