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BREAKING: Russell Wilson Isn't Allowed To Kiss Any More Babies Now That Sean Payton Is In Charge

Thearon W. Henderson. Getty Images.

ESPN -- The Broncos invited a shock to the system when they hired Payton. There's palpable tension in the building. Payton doesn't care if he comes off like an a--hole, or if he is an a--hole. Training camp practices have been long and physical. Every player has worn a Guardian cap. Denver media, which is New York-like in its volume -- more than 50 reporters logged on for Payton's pre-draft Zoom -- have seen access curtailed. Staffers seem cautious around Payton, not wanting to say something that prompts an outburst. Payton is the program, everything flowing out of his fierce ingenuity and ethic. He showed the team a video of a 2022 Ford Bronco driving off a cliff, letting players know last year is over. He told Wilson that to salvage his career he needed to focus less on Russell Inc. "Will you f---ing stop kissing all the babies?" he said. "You're not running for public office."

I'll tell ya what. Nobody is having a worse morning right now than babies all throughout the Denver area. Imagine waking up this morning with a massive doody in your diaper, and now you find out you can't even get smooched by Mr. Unlimited anymore? I mean what did these babies ever do to Sean Payton? Why does he hate babies so much? 

The good news here for Russell Wilson is that there are some semantics to be played around with here. For starters, Sean Payton said "will you fucking stop kissing ALL the babies". He didn't say stop kissing babies in general, just not all of them. So if he needs to kiss a few here and there, technically that's not what Sean Payton said. Also, he said that Russell Wilson isn't running for public office. So all he needs to do is just put his name in a race somewhere. Maybe for city comptroller or something like that. He doesn't need to win the election, but as long as he is running for public office then he should be good to go. 

At the end of the day, I don't know if kissing babies was necessarily the thing holding Russell Wilson back these past couple of seasons. But I'd imagine that a combination of baby kissing, those awful Subway commercials, pretending to be Mr. Unlimited, and every other bizarre thing this man has done over the past 730 days hasn't helped get his game get back to where it could and should be. So if having to fucking stop kissing all the babies is step one to getting Russell Wilson back into the form of a $296 million quarterback, then maybe Sean Payton is on to something here. Russell Wilson just needs way more people around him to bully him back into being normal, and Sean Payton clearly has no qualms with being that bully. Bounce back season loading.