The Basketball Schedule Release For My Former College Has The Strangest Motley Crew Of Characters You Can Think Of

I was lucky enough to help announce the season schedule for checks notes the 360th ranked D1 college basketball team in the country. That's 360 out of 363. Which is better than last year when we were 363 and only had 5 players for the Horizon League conference tournament. That's improvement!  

I was not alone in announcing the home games for the I.U.P.U.I. (Indiana University Purdue University Indianapolis, soon to be just Indiana University Indianapolis) Jaguars, there were notable celebrities people that helped make the announcement …

Here are some of the guests   … 

Ol' Vibbsy: Former walk-on cross country runners don't exactly put asses in seats, but when notable IUPUI alumnus and former Barstool employee Mantis is too busy door dashing and having a girlfriend to record a video, you take what you can get. Vibbs' time to shine. 

George Hill: Drafted to the NBA in 2008, Hill is the lone NBA prospect to come out of IUPUI. A starter for most of his 15 year career, including a run with the Indiana Pacers, this man is a local legend. Awesome he took time to make a video. 

Joe Manganiello: This guest is puzzling, THE VOICE of Joe Manganiello. Formerly married to Sophia Vergara, he's had small appearances in movies, best known for Magic Mike, loves dungeons and dragons, but Manganiello is from Pittsburgh, went to high school and college in Pittsburgh, and has no association with IUPUI (that I know of.) After some research, I discovered smaller markets, like Indy, LOVE hot dudes wiggle-dicking on stage. Magic Mike was a HUGE hit in Indianapolis.


Vulture: data shows that in traditionally conservative, midsize cities, Mike effected double-digit spikes over the average percentage of movie tickets typically sold in those areas … For example, Indianapolis and Charlotte saw jumps of around 25 percent, while Orlando, St. Louis, and Nashville all saw leaps of over 30 percent.

How do you get the kids excited about your school? Strippers. The Rick Pitino Special. Dude is attractive as hell, so I appreciate him not submitting a video and making the rest of us look like disgusting slobs. 

Indiana Governor Eric Holcomb: I know nothing about Indiana's governor and his politics, but according to the internet, Holcomb ranks 32 / 50 for all the state governors. Below average. Hopefully appearing in the IUPUI schedule release boosts him up a few spots in the polls. 

A director in charge of putting on the Indiana State Fair, which might not sound like a huge deal, but in the state of Indiana this woman is probably the biggest get on this list.

The president of the Indianapolis Zoo and a cat that definitely isn't a jaguar, but who is paying attention? 


Zoos depress me, but the Indianapolis Zoo is worth the trip if you're ever in town. They have a kick ass shark tank where you can reach out and pet dogfish sharks. 

The Interim Chancellor of the school who may be the next Sister Jean for IUPUI, who knows? 

I'm not sure how the athletic department will handle me poking fun at the schedule release, most likely won't get asked to do it again, but it means a lot to me that I was asked. Even if it's a tiny role in a video, it's awesome to be able to give back to a place that gave me a lot of opportunities. It pains me and drives me insane that IUPUI is ranked so low in D1. Indiana prides itself on being a basketball state, and in a state where you can find a thousand kids who aren't highly recruited and willing to play, I don't understand how we can't be better. I know IUPUI isn't the most glorious school, and they probably don't have a ton of $ to be throwing around, but it's in the middle of downtown Indianapolis. It's a great city, not the most booming metropolis, but you're telling me LAWERENCE, KANSAS is a dream destination? Not a chance. They built something there and turned it into the place to play. So here is to IUPUI's 2023-2024 season, the next Kansas Jayhawks.