My Official Statement On A Plane Being Diverted Due To A Passenger's Unrelenting Diarrhea That Was Tossed About A Plane's Cabin Like Confetti After A Super Bowl Victory

A Delta Airlines Airbus A350 turned around back to Atlanta Friday night because of diarrhea throughout the airplane from a passenger and it’s a biohazard.

The FAA flight strip for DL194 was posted to Reddit (

xStang05x) Also a passenger posted here asking why her son’s flight was turning around. Audio via http://LiveATC.net and ADS-B data from

@ADSBex

The identity of the passenger remains a mystery, but the passengers and crew were transferred and Flight DL194 finally made it to Barcelona at 5:10 p.m. the next day — eight hours later than scheduled, according to Flightradar24.

It is not known if the passenger who had the digestive problem was aboard the plane when it touched down in Spain.

An alleged Federal Aviation Authority flight strip was posted on Reddit, which appeared to confirm the situation involved “biohazard” all over the plane.

First of all, I gain no pleasure in tapping these keys. As someone who has experienced diarrhea every single day since Easter of 2007, I understand the plight, pain, and trauma of international travel with the loosest of stools. Rest assured, I am a longtime loose stoolie. 

Each time I travel I have to weigh the pros and cons of what I am going to eat hours ahead of time. If Im doing more than a 2 hour flight, I am only allowing plain turkey breast sandwiches down the ole hatch. I'm not stopping and getting chili from the airport Wendys. I'm careful. Im deliberate. I'm courteous of the other future passengers. I would even go so far as to say that I am saving lives by not eating greasy or spicy foods. If I did, this incident in the friendly skies would be commonplace but it's not so our friends in the air crew really needed to buckle down and come up with a decent solution. 

And that's where we'll begin. Imagine. You're up in the air, cruising on an international flight, living your best life, and then boom! Some poor soul's stomach decides it's time for a volcanic eruption of the Burning Man mud all over the plane. 

 First things first, they gotta suit up like they're about to enter a biohazard zone. We're talking gloves, masks, hazmat suits—the whole nine yards. This ain't no ordinary spill, my friends. It's fuckin acid. People forget that. Diarrhea is highly concentrated acid so you cant just mop that up with a mop. Nope. 

Step one: assess the damage. This might be the most daunting of all tasks. You gotta figure out the extent of this literal shitstorm. Is it just a single seat that took a hit, or are we talking about a scene straight out of Fallujah in 2007 where people are praying and spraying rounds all over the joint? It's like a war scene, but instead of blood, it's mother fuckin wet poop.

Step two: containment. The crew needs to block off the affected area, kinda like when you see a "Do Not Cross" tape at a crime scene. Nobody wants to accidentally waltz into that hot liquid watery waste. In order to do this, you must release the name and age of the shitter. Cant do anything until everyone has identified the infected person. HIPPA does not apply on international travel. You must tie the shitter up so that it doesnt happen again. Do this carefully. If you squeeze the person too hard when you are trying to subdue him, youll end up with poop all over you. Trush me on this. During extreme situations, the sphrictor simply cannot grip hard enough to keep the flow inside. It's a dam shame. 

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Step three: clean and disinfect. Scrub daddy much? This is where the real elbow grease comes in. They're gonna need some industrial-grade cleaning agents to battle that bile. It's not just about getting rid of the visible stuff, it's about making sure there's no lingering nastiness that could make someone else's trip down the line go down the drain—literally. Make no mistake- diarrhea juice can respawn. It'll be back on a warm day quicker than shit. 

Step four: remove and replace. If any seat cushions or fabrics got caught in the line of fire, they gotta be removed and replaced with fresh, clean ones. Over the past 15 years, I have purchased 9 couches. Once it sets in, it's time to set the couch out. It's expensive but safety is paramount. 

Step Five: pray it never happens again. Seriously, let's all hope and pray that the next flight is diarrhea-free because nobody deserves to experience that kind of turbulence.So there you have it, folks. The cleaning crew's gotta step up and tackle the unimaginable when it hits the fan. It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it. Stay clean, stay classy, and remember: life is full of surprises, some messier than others.

Finally, I was not on this flight so the people who are saying it's me are simply liars.