I Accidentally Saw Gay Porn On Twitter And Tweeted About It And Now Everyone Thinks I'm Gay But There's Nothing Wrong With That But I'm Not!

So this weirdo tried to say nobody yells "F word U" at Nick Saban or Mack Brown before games, which is obviously 1) the lamest thing ever typed, and 2) unequivocally the stupidest thing ever said. He's never heard anyone tell Nick Saban "fuck you"? Okay buddy, sure.

But so then I was like I've heard 1000x worse from Maryland fans, which made me want to find the video of when the entire arena was chanting "fuck you JJ" at JJ Redick.

So I did what anyone would do, typed "fuck you JJ" into Twitter search and clicked the "Media" tab. BIG MISTAKE.

Now, I love my gay brothers and sisters like Pat and Joey and Feits. I'm pro-gay. But unfortunately after 34 years and 11/12 months (my birthday is October 10th by the way), I have deemed myself as heterosexual. So when I started scrolling the media tab….

And for some reason I kept scrolling and saw things I didn't know happened in real life. Think human centipede. I'll be asking Pat about it tomorrow.

But anyway because I'm bored and haven't really been online much today, I thought I'd send out the following tweet without context, expecting to get some funny replies.

In retrospect that was a mistake! Now Twitter thinks I'm gay, and denying it only makes it worse. But also saying "it only makes it worse" makes people think you're suspiciously denying it…but not denying means you are! There's no winning! You are gay whether you deny it or not! It's a trap! And then if you deny it too hard you become homophobic because there's obviously nothing wrong with being gay if you are gay. It's a 3 way trap! The most unwinnable situation I've ever found myself in all because I tried to find a video of JJ Redick!

Buddy, I wish I was gay. Would be a good career move. But after seeing the things I saw…I think I'm stuck as a lame straight guy. Sigh.