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Dumping Them Out: Most Honorable Jobs

Welcome back to a special Monday holiday episode of Dumping Them Out. Labor Day the one day each year where we collectively pat ourselves on the back and feel proud because we have jobs or something like that. At that's how I understand it.

So in honor of our labor, in today's episode we will be celebrating a handful of honorable & dishonorable occupations. And by that I mean we'll be celebrating the first jobs that come to my head that I think are kind of funny.

Podcast Producer
Podcast Producers are the unsung heroes of our society. Think of your favorite podcasters - Kirk Minihane, Dan Katz, Will Compton, Joe Rogan, Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes, Will Arnett, Adam Friedland, the 2 girls from The Office, the list goes on. Without a podcast producer (with the exception of Kirk and Dan), these people would be nothing. They'd be completely worthless, probably stuck on Dancing With The Stars, or working at one of those stand alone 200 square foot Checker's that don't even have indoor seating.

NFL Player
If I never made it in the podcasting adjacent business, I would be playing in the National Football League. The average NFL career is short and many of players leave the league with life altering brain injuries. 

Mall Kiosk Employee
When I was a child I was always sad that my hometown of didn't have a good mall because I thought mall kiosk employee would be an awesome high school job. I'd have given my friends 10% discounts on ringtones, or whatever cool off-brand phone accessories I was selling. Then once I had learned the industry, I'd have opened up my own mall kiosk stand to see fruity flavored vapes to teenagers.

Guy In Charge of the Bulls for Running With The Bulls
16 people have died while running with the bulls. I can't think of any other position where it's your job to train animals to attack people. That's pretty cool. Except I think they have to kill the bulls at the end. You get a lot of blood on your hands in that job.

Bed Bug Exterminator
I'm sure I've already told this story in a Dumping Them Out before, but when I lived in a hostel in South Central LA we had a bed bug outbreak and the owner of the hostel gave me free rent in exchange for being the hostel's official bed bug killer. I was equipped with nothing but a heat gun. He instructed me to find where the bed bugs lay their eggs, then apply heat to the eggs until I heard them pop, and apparently that's how you exterminate bed bugs. I can't imagine that was an effective strategy. I think the owner just wanted to be able to tell his guests that he had someone taking care of it. I was drunk the entire time. 

Hot Oil Rig Workers
I just remembered the hot oil rig worker guys who go viral sometimes. Just a couple hot dudes with big muscles making an honest living.


Hot Pharmaceutical Sales Rep Responsible for Opiate Crisis
Back in the early 2000's when Purdue Pharma flooded the streets with hot people selling the equivalent of heroin to any doctor who would listen. That was real fucked up.

Emotional Support Dog
Dogs can be laborious too. I'm a fan of the emotional support dogs who aren't emotional support dogs at all, their owner just got a certificate online so his/her landlord couldn't legally tell them they're not allowed to have a dog in the apartment.

Fortune Cookie Folder
When I was a kid my family went to New York City for a few days. In particular, we went to a fortune cookie factory in Chinatown. At the factory there was a woman sitting at a conveyor belt folding fortune cookies at the speed of light. She had me and my brothers gather around so she could show us how to do it. She was very serious about her work. She really made sure that we understood the steps to folding a cookie. But she never let us fold one ourselves. I always thought it was weird that she gave us such specific directions then didn't even let us fold one ourselves.

Person At The Forefront of Artificial Intelligence Technology
You know there's some super genius out there who's partially responsible for all this crazy new AI technology. He (or she) probably has the ability to create a robot that could take over the world if they programmed it to do so. That's a scary amount of power for someone to have. It might be hard not to abuse it. I'm sure they're curious to see what they're capable of. They could be a real life super villain. Could hold the world hostage for millions of dollars like Dr. Evil.

Professional Sports Gambler
How many people in the world do you think are legitimately making a living off of sports gambling? And I don't mean people like Dave or Big Cat, or anybody working at PENN. I mean someone who makes a living off of their winnings. I've always operated under the assumption that anybody who claims they make money year over year is lying. 

Not a shady real-life pimp. I'm talking about the pimps you see in movies or cartoon with an oversized purple Steve Harvey suit, diamond pimp cane, and top hat. He splits the profits fairly with his girls and treats them as equal business partners and not property. The good, wholesome kind of pimp.

Whoever is in Charge of Mitch McConnell
I don't think Mitch McConnell even knows his own name. There has to be a person who's full-time job is just getting him from point A to point B. I guess that's probably just a nurse. Either way it sounds like nightmare

Yelp Review Terrorist
Someone with a powerful Yelp profile who goes around the restaurants and extorts them for free food. 

Real Life-Cowboy
I don't respect any man who wears a cowboy hat unless he's truly living a cowboy lifestyle. But if he's really out there doing cowboy stuff, I think that's pretty badass. Like the ranchers in the show Yellowstone. According to the Department of Agriculture there are somewhere between 500,000 and 1,000,000 real cowboys in America. That's a way higher number than I would have guessed. Barstool should hire a real cowboy.