Barstool Power Rankings: THE RETURN OF THE RANKINGS

 

Is it…could it be…IT IS! 

From the desk of the (co) Editor in Chief, welcome back to the Barstool Power Rankings! 

For those new to the program, the Power Rankings were originally done by actual multi-millionaire Kmarko, who then handed them over to me so he could spend more time vaping. I did them for a while, and then phased them out when people were taking them way too personally, co-workers were threatening to quit because of them, and nobody was having a good time at all.

Well guess what?? We're back, bitches! I did that roast at the Barstool 20th Anniversary Awards and people sucked my dick so hard about how good it was and how it saved the show that now they are demanding I bring back the weekly Power Rankings. As a man of the people, a servant to society, and a loyal employee of Barstool who would like to keep my job after I made fun of both Dave and Erika in front of 50,000 people, I must oblige. 

So what exactly are the Power Rankings? Well, you don't have to be in MENSA to figure that out. Every week (or so) I will rank the employees by attractiveness merit, including both the bests AND worsts of the week, and individual awards as I see fit. I'll make some jokes, we'll have some laughs, Francis will take it a little too personally and eventually write a SCATHING blog about me, dissecting my life and career limb by limb until I'm dead in the ground, and round and round we will go.

So I guess without further ado all we can do is jump in. Here are your top 5 for the week:

 

5) Dana B

 

I'm gonna be honest, right off the bat I already feel like I've made a huge error and Dana B should be ranked higher than 5. But also it's a pretty sweet way to kick off Power Rankings because to be honest again, I have a bit of writer's block. It's been harder than I expected to jump back into these. Working on a Friday? Haven't done that in years, amiright? So starting off with Dana B on Most Dangerous Game was the best way to get into this thing. And that clip of him is perfect, especially because it happened right after he was deemed too fat to sky dive.

 

 

 

In my opinion Dana doesn't get enough credit as being one of the more naturally funny people we got, and he works hard on both sides of the camera. I'm a big Dana B guy.

 

4) Jeff D Lowe's Ass

 

 

 

I've been waiting to hear the full story about JDL's bruised ass for YEARS now. I've heard snippets here and there but never the full truth about how he almost died slipping on a staircase after his 3rd $75 haircut of the month. The fact this color was on his body for MONTHS 

 

 

looks more painful than driving to the Jersey Shore to get friend zoned every weekend. 

He finally wrote the full blog about it and I highly recommend you check it out after you're done with this one.

 

3) Nicky Smokes/Ben Mintz

 

 

Name two luckier people right now, you can't. Nicky Smokes got hired because he won a Twitter bet with Dave and now gets paid $100,000 a year to lie about winning bets, despite the fact we're no longer owned by PENN. Ben Mintz said…well, you know what he said, then got hired by Brick Watch who then transferred his contract to Barstool once Dave bought it back. They both hit that sweet spot where you could still get hired to do nothing but as a bit. In Nicky Smokes' defense, I actually do think he's showing ambition and putting in work. And Mintz's value comes simply from being Ben Mintz, which you can't teach at any journalism school. 

 

 

Will Mintz give up the NOLA life and move to Chicago and join forces with Nicky Smokes? If god is real 🙏🙏🙏

 

2) Payton and Mook

 

I love this rivalry between ANUS producer Mook and former ANUS intern, now Plan Bri producer Payton.

First she laughed in his face for looking completely normal and not goofy at all

 

 

and then on RnR night she decided to sling blade him for no apparent reason at all, other than the fact she can.

 

 

 

Enhance

 

 

Sometimes you just gotta let your inferiors know where they stand. Mook is without a doubt sleeping with one eye open. He never knows when or where Payton will attack. They lowkey highkey have the best current rivalry at Barstool.

 

And number 1 goes tooooooooooooooo

 

 

1) The DAWG

 

 

Dave and the Dawg. The Dawg and Dave. There is no better 1-2 punch in sports media right now. When Dave is in town, we make magic together. 

Barstool Sports becomes an electric factory. Numbies to the moon like you read about. Putting people in body bags, stuffing them in lockers, spitting our our coffees and we weren't even drinking any. 

I'm not saying it, but many people are saying my roast at the Awards Show was the defining moment Barstool turned around. The exact moment you can pin point where we washed the last 3 years off and became what Barstool was always supposed to be once again. You know what, fuck it, let's post the full roast.

 

 

As things usually happen with me, I went from an all time high to a very low after I asked Dave about laying off one of the good ones, Matt Fitzgerald. 

 

 

But as I always do, I make the best radio for everyone, even if it's at my expense…but Dave always ends up smiling because that's who we are, Batman and Robin. 

 

 

Another banner week for the Big 2.

It's nice to be doing bits with Davey P again. But unfortunately for him, he doesn't make the top 5 of the week because he has some glaring leaks he needs to fill first….

 

Top 3 Needs Improvement

1) Half Day Davey 

 

This guy Dave! Wahhh wahhh wahhhh, we lose $12 million a year, wahhhh wahhhhh wahhhhhh…and then he is in the office 2 days a week! He poured Sas' entire salary into buying back the company, fired the 5th in PVs guy, and then dipped out at 3. I get it though, early bird dinners aren't just gonna eat themselves plus he needs to find time to do the latest TikTok dance before the local news, Wheel of Fortune, and being asleep by 9pm. 

I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt though, he's only owned the company for like 3 days since returning from his retirement in Boca, so we'll give him a little leeway. But if he really cared about making back that $12 million, he would do the Dave and the Dawg podcast with me. That's not a joke, it's blatantly obvious people are clamoring for the inside Barstool stuff again, and since he put the Dave Portnoy Show in the dirt, there's been a massive hole that needs filling. Dave and the Dawg fills that hole with a cream pie the size of the moon. If Dave wants off the Needs Improvement list, he will give it a go.

 

 

2) The YAK

 

 

10x? More like 0x this week! Fair is fair, I can't play favorites. This is a "what have you done for me lately" league and there's been an equal number of Schnitt Talk episodes as there have been The YAK this week. The fellas move to their Fantasy Factory in Chicago and stop putting out shows? For shame. Oh sure, maybe "Pete told them the office would be ready in September but it's actually still a pile of dirt and won't be ready before Christmas", but to me that sounds like nothing but an excuse. Oh they had to "move their entire lives across the country, set up their new apartments, and prepare for their new lives in a new city"? I don't wanna hear it. 

 

3) Kelly Keegs

 

Speaking of missing people, where the fuck has president Kelly Keegs been? She did this entire campaign to be the new president, beat Tommy Smokes, and then hasn't been seen since. She promised us new bagels in the morning, but once again we had the same nasty bagels this week, while she is galavanting around Europe. EUROPE!

 

 

Gets elected and then spends all her time on the golf course and eating grapes at a vineyard like the 1%er she is, 

 

while we here at HQ continue shoveling coal into the furnace to pay for her elaborate vacations. Impeach Keegs! Impeach Keegs! Impeach Keegs!

 

Other Awards:

 

Star Of The Week: Dom Of The Year

 

 

 

 

Ok let's stop here for a second- if you're reading this but haven't watched yesterday's pizza review (maybe you just don't like watching videos over 30 seconds because the internet has rotted your brain) I guarantee it's worth it. Also because I'm a glutton for page views I'm going to link to it here:

 

 

The fatso in the Star Wars shirt is the WOAT, and Dom of the Year is the GOAT. Him sliding in and picking up right where he left off, you can't teach that timing. And as it turns out, DOTY wasn't making things up, he literally used to work at Dragon Pizza.

 

 

There's not anything else to say- Dom is a STAR. Will he link up with JJP? 

 

 

More as we hear it.

 

Blog Title Of The Week: Bob Fox

 

 

"Lena the Plug Took More Time To Recover From Dick Than Sabine Took From Being Stabbed With a Lightsaber" is such an outrageously good headline all you can do is tip your cap to the greatness. And as he explained it to me, it's nothing but facts. Some chick in Star Wars got stabbed with a light saber and was skipping around the next day, meanwhile Lena was putting frozen peas on her puss for a week after her romp in the sack Jason Luv. For Bob to make that connection between Star Wars and Lena, that's just a chef's kiss of blogging. 

 

Barstool Is A Golf Company Of The Week: John Golfs with Frankie and Trent

 

 

There's no denying it, golf is a big moneymaker for Barstool. And also quite fun to watch. This week Feits joined Frankie and Trent on the course and I gotta say, it's a delight. 

 

 

Take 30 minutes from watching porn you pervert and watch their newest video, it's good stuff.

 

Clip So Dumb They Might Actually Be Brilliant: Jackie and Rudy Discussing Secret Signs

 

 

I love the logic so much. If they are both cross their eyes, neither will be able to tell the other is crossing their eyes. It's brilliant. 

And no cap (on god fr fr…just trying to fit in with the kids) the newest Most Dangerous Gameshow was a lot of fun to watch. I posted the Dana clip above, it's all funny but also you can tell there is going to be a lot of backstabbing and sabotage. Not an ad, just an honest recommendation.  

 

Rone Is Awesome:

 

 

He's really, really good. 

 

I think that's all I've got for this week. Shout out to all our fallen homies, we miss you guys already. Make sure to watch all your favorite shows, drink all your High Noons, follow me on Twitter, and cream pie your mom.