For God's Sake, Here's A Service Where You Can Hire A College Running Back To Lure Your Girlfriend Into Cheating On You

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Ladies and gentlemen, introducing a wonderful new service for those who have zero security in their relationships: Loyalty-Test! 

Caden Redmond, a college student in West Palm Beach, Fla., was on TikTok in April flirting with a woman living in South America. While writing to her via direct message, he told her he had never been to her home country but was planning a trip soon.

The conversation was going smoothly. He asked if she would show him around when he arrived; she said that would be cool. He called her cute, and she called him cute back. At one point, she said she “can’t wait” for him to get there.

Moments later, he took screenshots of their conversation, blocked the woman’s account and sent the images to her boyfriend.

Mr. Redmond, 19, was hired by the man to test his girlfriend’s loyalty, and according to him, she failed, leading her boyfriend to dump her. All the arrangements to lay the trap were made through Loyalty-Test, a service that allows people to hire “testers” to flirt with their significant others online to see whether they respond to the romantic advances or remain faithful. 

“I don’t aim to make people cheat,” said Mr. Redmond, who is a running back for Keiser University’s football team and a TikTok and Instagram creator. “I just do it because I’ve been cheated on, and I feel like if someone wants to know, they should know from someone who is actually not going to take their girlfriend.”

“That’s part of the job: Never follow through,” he added.

 - NY Times

Way to go Caden, you knight-in-cucking-armor. Sure, you've seen zero minutes of playing time for the illustrious NAIA Keiser University Seahawks. But with all that free time you have from not watching game film, you can now lower your shoulder through strangers' relationships and break through their lines of trust. Who knows, maybe you rip one past the secondary and take off for the endzone, aka run off with the girlfriend of the very guy who hired you to prove she's disloyal! 

Oh wait. You abide by the code: never follow through. Noble as the day is long. 

This service is a TRAP, folks. If you hire professional people to lure your boyfriend/girlfriend into being disloyal, nine times out of ten you're not going to like what you find. That old saying: where there's smoke, there's fire? This is more like "Where there isn't any smoke yet, let's bring in a super powerful space heater and see if a fire starts." 

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I like to assume all is gravy in my relationships unless I legitimately walk in on them. Ignorance is bliss! This Loyalty-Test thing—will you ever be satisfied? I'm sure that anyone who signs up to have one of their goons DM your boyfriend will NEVER be happy with the results. For even if your man stonewalls the flirtation effort, you'll likely just tell yourself you didn't get an attractive-enough bait person. Or she wasn't his type. 

Know why? 

Because this is about you, oh hunter of smoking guns. This is your insecurity. And as soon as you start trafficking in loyalty testers, you'll never find peace within yourself. 

One woman asked her to send her boyfriend a message on Instagram to see if he would respond. She wrote “heyyy cutie,” and he replied with five red-faced hot-and-bothered emojis and asked for her Snapchat. Just like Mr. Redmond, this woman took screenshots of the conversation, blocked the boyfriend and sent her findings to his girlfriend.

Whoopsie daisies. Everyone, beware. We're told to watch out for AI these days. Try flirtatious DMs! They'll bring you to your knees faster than a chop block from ol' Caden Redmond. 

I went on the Loyalty-Test website to poke around. There are a handful of relatively attractive young people on there. Then I found this guy:

Fuck. Zook is EXACTLY my wife's type. She's admitted that if we ever invoked a hall pass allowance, she'd be on the hunt for a semi-retired concert security guard who carries a concealed knife in his boot. Please, oh please, she pined—let him wrap a barb-wire tatted bicep around my legs as he beatboxes my lady parts to Metallica. 

Instantly, the hairs of suspicion on the back of my neck stood stiff. They say that when you go fishing, you'll find something. Zook is from St. Petersburg, FL, whose waters team with grouper, snapper, and amberjack. I had to cast. 

But which package to choose? I could go with the basic "truthfinder," aka worm bait. Or, at twice the price, I could spring for the "meet up":

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Follow my partner? Slide in her DMs? Only go as far as I want you to go? Jackpot. 

But just as I was putting our shared credit card number in, I paused. Could I really live with myself if Zook from St. Pete were the reason my entire marriage went off the rails? If this bald fitness instructor from southern Florida could actually run off with MY girl, then did she deserve to be with me in the first place? Did I actually need to confirm her duplicity? 

$150 seemed like a massive waste. Especially since I now had to hire a lawyer to draft our divorce papers. 

Thanks Loyalty-Test, you saved me from becoming a cuck AND wasting money.