Barstool Power Rankings: The Power Of The Mean Girls
From the desk of the (co) Editor in Chief, welcome back to the Barstool Power Rankings!
This is week 2 of the new Power Rankings and boy things just don't slow down around here, do they? I cannot believe we went 3 years as a gambling company, with people yelling out things like "MY PARLAY!!!" 100x a day just to keep some semblance of job security. As a non-gambler I saw the writing on the wall and was already looking into which Subway sandwiches I would work at when the PENN people eventually took a big red pen across my name, but then Davey P swooped in and saved my life, administered CPR to the company, and now has us cooking hotter than we've cooked in literal YEARS. All bullshit and jokes aside, Dave saved my job/career/life…but that doesn't let him off the hook either! These are the Power Rankings, after all, and the DAWG can't play favorites just because he pays me way too much money.
Advertisement
Wild week though, so let's rank our top 5, give out some needs improvements, and some other awards highlighting the week that was:
TOP 5:
5) Rico Bosco
I don't think anyone has done a 180 quite like Rico Bosco. I mean this guy was a complete piece of shit. Awful person. But as it turns out people can change and become better people, and credit to Rico, he has and now he's a joy to be around. He launched a new show yesterday called Healthy Debate and even got Dave in Boston to call in. By the way, healthy debate, it should be more than 2 days a week, healthy debate, but there's nobody better situated for a call-in show than Rico Bosco, healthy debate. Plus, saying "healthy debate" at the beginning and end of every sentence is wildly addicting, healthy debate.
Also shout out Wayne Jetski for producing the fuck out of the show.
4) Donnie Does and Hank
I did not know cows, as we traditionally know them as, are all females. Never even thought about it. When I think cow I think of the animal on farms or your mom. When I think bulls I think wild animal at rodeos. So does that mean fans of the Chicago Bulls are basically just fans of cows? Definitely put my mind in a bottle.
Anyway, Donnie got himself up to 500,000 subscribers on YouTube. No wonder he pulls in the big bucks and the sales team can't stop selling all his content!
Advertisement
Did you know the video he did with Vibbs about the mole people underneath the Vegas Strip has 21 MILLION views?
Nuts.
3) DOOOOOOOOGS
Anytime you can put a Lax frat bro after 8 Pink Whitney shots that totally don't burn your entire esophagus on the way down on a live mic with a bunch of kids, well, you gotta do it. It's actually fine, considering the bar at Barstool for fucking up on a live mic is so remarkably out of reach thanks to Mintzy, we're pretty much in "say anything besides THAT" territory. And Doogs is fucking hilarious doing his Doogsie Cronkite man on the street stuff, getting roasted by Dave
and his mom
Advertisement
I'm just so glad this guy is on my Dozen team. Me, Elio, and Doogs, championship city, population us!
2) The Mean Girls
I've been debating how I wanted to blog them in Power Rankings all week. Top 5, needs improvement, or their own section. At the end of the day it's all arbitrary, but obviously I can't ignore it. And I was silent about it all week because I knew I would type it here. It's so layered, so let's jump into it:
After the Kelly Keegs blog where she ripped them a new one, Alex and Jordyn went from being in the mix at HQ to basically non-existent overnight, while still holding themselves up as better than the rest of us peasants at Barstool Sports. From what I can tell, that is most people's problem with them- it's the fact for the most part, 90% of us are peasants, grinding day in and out, trying to keep our jobs, while they are god-knows-where, doing 1 episode of the podcast a week, but without the CHD-esque numbers to back it up. But think back- when Alex was in the mix doing RnR and Jordyn in the mix on shows like Friday Night Pints, there were no issues with them. And I don't think anyone would care if they came back. In fact, the more people in the mix, especially unique personalities who know how to get eyeballs, the better. I think it would be great if they were mixing it up on a daily basis, especially once Keegs gets back from her 2 month European vacation.
What's absurd is the "I don't come to work because people are mean to me" angle. You think I wanted to sit 10 feet from Smitty when he made my life hell for months on end? Or when I was beefing with Kevin? Or countless other times I've been in the shit? Fuck no. But you show up to work because you're an adult and you work at a content company that doubles as a reality show. Plus nobody gives a fuck about the dinosaurs clip from months ago.
I put them at number 2 mostly so I could set up a future joke in this blog, but also because they are the catalyst that made the conversation for the full week. I could type many more words about it from all angles, but I think I've typed enough and we need to highlight the true star of the week, you guys know who it is…..
Advertisement
1) DAVE PORTNOY
Nah, I'm kidding. Though there is a real argument for him being in the top 5, whether you agree or disagree with him in the historical Klemmer vs Portnoy battle. When Dave is in the mix, this place is a rocketship going 10 zillion MPH and nobody is safe. Who woulda thought 6'6, 110 pound Chris Klemmer would go toe to toe with 5'6, 220 pound Dave Portnoy? That's the beauty of this place. When Dave's involved, everything is better, for better or for worse. Any time I am stressed out or angry about getting yelled at or whatever, I just need to remind myself it was either this or the unemployment line, and I'll take this 100 times out of 100.
But let's now talk about
1) Chris Klemmer
This guy is an absolute maniac and I'm terrified of him. I think if I didn't put him at number 1 I'd have a horse head in my bed when I got home. He is Barstool's Joker- a man with nothing to lose. All he says is "I'm 43 and this will be my last job ever", and it's not because he has Leukemia, despite what his body type suggests. My best theory is he has Benjamin Button disease and is aging backwards, and was actually born in the 1820's and struck gold in California and has been coasting ever since. Nobody in the world at 43 years old should be so comfortable with being fired over a spat with the fucking Mean Girl Podcast, but nobody in the world is Chris Klemmer. Got must have a huge hog, but that's besides the point. The point is he didn't back down to Dave, which was wildly impressive, like watching a suicide bomber in real life, but he slithered away alive.
Advertisement
Here are my quick thoughts on the Klemmer argument- he has every right to say what he wants about Mean Girls (or anyone else) but he also has to live with whatever repercussions come his way. Dave's rules vary from person to person, and some people are protected more than others, whether it be because of their tenure, their sex, if they're fat or not, their level of autism, or the chances they kill themselves.
But I do disagree that Klemmer is the last person on the bench going after "Derek Jeter". I mean yeah I think Jeter is overrated too, but I'm not sure that's exactly what Dave's stance was. I think this is just one of those things you NEED to know is going to be handled this way for reasons both known and unknown. If everyone spoke up every day about people or things here that annoyed them, nothing would ever get done. We're still a bunch of idiots, and everyone is annoyed and is being annoying by someone else every single day. So Klemmer wasn't necessarily right or wrong, and Dave wasn't necessarily right or wrong either. But it all makes for great content, we get good radio, podcasts, and blogs out of it, and everyone moves on. And guess what? There will be a new shit storm with new main characters next week. That's the Barstool way.
Needs Improvement
1) Feits
My culture is not your prom dress, bub! What the fuck is this?!? I battle with hair-loss every single day. I am too lazy to shave my head (which looks good when I do, but it's a hassle) so I wear hats, and everyone knows when you wear a hat every day you are bald. And people make fun of you for being bald!
And then this son of a bitch John Feitelberg leaves the bathroom with Joey Camasta with a stain on his shirt and a bald head and starts talking like he's the king of the balds! I mean it is insane, the Six Flags dancing man looking ass is living a better bald life than anyone who is actually bald.
Hopefully this whole "I'm bald lol" thing becomes medically permanent. Cancer. I'm talking cancer. And not the fake kind Francis used to get himself hired here (the first time).
Advertisement
2) Steven Cheah
Cheah has one job- do some gay nerd data. That's it. That's his entire job. And he failed, miserably. He has to show up to work one day a year and have his numbers add up, and he simply cannot do it. I do not blame Big Cat for pulling his title of VP of Football Operations from him. It's the real life Charles Miner asking Jim if he wants to keep his made up job title that doesn't come with additional responsibilities
But Cheah seemingly does care about his made up title which now belongs to Ben Mintz, which is like replacing a redacted with a slightly more redacted redacted.
3) John Rich
What a fucking quitter this guy is. Couldn't even wait 6 months for Kirk to fire him before losing the job? Coward.
Other Awards:
Speaking of Cheah and John Rich, very funny tweet:
Advertisement
Nailed it.
Welcome Back KB
This guy is fucking YOKED. Good god, man. When he puts his mind to something he really, REALLY goes for it. He's one of the fellas I'll miss seeing around the office. We never really worked together but he always was a pleasant chat and a nice dap. This might shock you, but a lot of people here suck at dapping, Kyle was one of the better daps, always got a nice pop unlike "Fish Hands" Scibelli, for example.
Blogger of the Week: Karim
Alexander Koerner. Getty Images.
This is sort of an overdue shout out to Karim. If you don't know who he is, he used to be on Dave's team and something happened there, then he went on a 6 month vacation, and then he started blogging and he's been crushing it. He also wants to beef with EVERYONE over blog topics, work ethic, and what color the sky is. He's been tossing shots and jabs in blogs for a couple weeks now, it's only a matter of time before someone on the receiving end fires back. I have no idea who it will be, but just something to keep an eye on.
Advertisement
How The Fuck Is Kate STILL Pregnant?
Kate has been pregnant for 22 out of the last 24 months, I'm nearly positive of it. She's perpetually pregnant. I've never seen anything quite like it. I wouldn't be shocked if she is doing a long bit and is seeing how long she can pretend to be pregnant before people catch on. Well Kate, officially consider me woke.
Oof of the Year:
Oof.
That's all I got for now. Make sure to subscribe, download, rate all your favorite podcasts, drink your High Noons, and text your ex.