The 5 Times I Should've Won "Near Death Experience" at the Barstool Awards

The Wonton Don8/29/2023 5:00 PM

After I dropped this tweet/ricochet shot at Klemmer, I promised myself I would keep my mouth shut and voice no further complaints about the Barstool awards (I was told I didn't get invited because the higher ups thought my email was donnydoes@barstoolsports.com and not donniedoes@barstoolsports.com. Also John Rich was never invited but showed up anyways so turns out an invite wasn't even necessary).

Anyways I did attend the awards and had a blast so let me cover the positives first:

- Had a chance to finally meet and talk to the infamous Pirate Simon who now runs his own marketing company (I assume starting your own company is the only option once the internet brands you as "the guy who downloads porn at the workplace" but I'm proud he's been able to pull it off.

- There was an open bar pre-award show which was a pleasant surprise. Assumed things like that would be the first to go once we lost Penn's bankroll

- I won "Best Athletic Achievement" for "Dragon Skin", my first and favorite docu-series which documents my journey winning a Chinese Super Bowl with the Shanghai Warriors.

Dragon Skin also won "Best Foreign Film" at the infamous Dunkin Awards 4 years ago

But in that category I was essentially competing against myself. Best Athletic Acheivement is something I can actually hang my hat on. DUBS UP.

Ok now that we got all the positives out of the way, it pains me to say this, but I am once again here TO COMPLAIN.

One of the awards handed out last week was for "Near Death Experience" and not only did I not win, I wasn't even nominated! I mean yes I'm proud about winning a Chinese Super Bowl but my proudest achievement these past 6 years is despite all the dangerous things I've done for content, Nate has suffered more bodily harm than me while working for Barstool.

Now THAT is an accomplishment. However while I've managed to dodge death/serious injury so far, I'd say I've still had more close calls than anyone at the company. And if none of my brushes with death for the sake of content were hairy enough for Blattman to work into the awards show, I'll just have to do my own personal nominations below.

Wonton Don's Most Noteworthy Near Death Experiences:

5. Falling Head First Out of a Tree into 3 Feet of Water (Rediscovering The Great Lakes Part 2)

4. Giving Myself Alcohol Poisoning by Drinking the Entirety of The World's Strongest Beer

Snake Venom is 67.5% alcohol and is still to this day, the grosses thing that has ever passed my lips. Each bottle comes with a label warning you to never drink more than 35ml in one sitting

but for the sake of content I drank the whole thing. How much damage could one bottle do I asked myself?

Turns out A LOT. Hadn't blacked out that hard since college. At one point I collapsed in a bush outside my apartment and had to be dragged up 4 flights of stairs by my girlfriend, and when she finally got me into bed, I pissed EVERYWHERE.

These were dark dark times and I pray that if anyone else finds themselves in possession of a bottle of Snake Venom, they heed the warning label.

3. Outhouse Crash (Rediscovering The Great Lakes Part 1)

Actually Nick should've probably been nominated for this one as when the Outhouse fell over I landed on him, which softened the fall for me but did lasting damage on his arm. Look at him here.

This was the moment I knew I had to stop involving Nick in the stupid decisions I make or there was zero chance he'd return for a season 2.

2. Coming Millimeters from Cracking My Skull Open on a Rock (Rediscovering The Great Lakes Part 1)

1. Poisoning myself with Nepalese "Mad Honey"

I was in worst shape than this video reveals as I couldn't include 4 hours of me projectile vomiting without it getting banned from youtube. At one point I sincerely asked Michael Angelo to call an ambulance. In hindsight I'm glad he didn't as I woke up feeling fine and that would've been a huge pain in the ass to deal with. But in the heat of the moment I'm kinda shocked he didn't. If my buddy had consumed a foreign substance and collapsed on the floor puking for hours I'm pretty sure I'd call a hospital as if he didn't make it there'd be people out there blaming me for his death. Don't worry tho Michael Angelo, everything worked out for the best and now that's my most watched vid from Nepal (500K views and climbing).

P.S.

My last complaint I promise. I know we somehow couldn't find a sponsor this awards show so the budget was tight, but the awards this year were a plastic toy boat glued onto a wooden pedestal. The mast broke off within minutes of me walking into a bar so I leased it to a fan under the condition that he return it in a month in one piece.

Don't get me wrong, I will cherish this for the rest of my life. But the gold spray painted Dunkin Donut sandwiches from our last awards show felt like a god damn Oscar in comparison. (End of rant. No more complaints from me for the rest of 2023)