The Yale Campus Police Are Scaring The Absolute Crap Out Of New Students With Terrifying Leaflets About The Murderous City Of New Haven

Adam Glanzman. Getty Images.

Imagine you're a Freshman, arriving on campus from a faraway land like South Korea or New Zealand. You've taken 20 hours of flights to get to Yale, one of the most selective and prestigious universities in the world—though certainly not the most selective/prestigious. You've spent much of the trip weeping from the homesickness as the miles between you and your family, whom you've never left in 18 years, pile up. Now finally, you've entered the gates of Yale with your gigantic rolling luggage, sweaty and exhausted, and the gothic architecture of the campus is just starting to replace that yearning for home with a sense of promise and wonder when a campus security officer hands you a flyer. 

What's this? An invitation to a party, from a cop?! Instructions on how to navigate a storage locker perhaps? Best practices for locking up a bicycle? 

No. It's a list of statistics and guidelines warning you that you now live in the most dangerous fucking city on earth. Welcome to hell, freshman scum. Bet you wish you were back in the shire with your mom, you piece of shit! You're about to get stabbed on the train if you're stupid enough to take it. 

"Some Yalies do manage to survive New Haven and even maintain their personal property." 

Let's hope you're part of this privileged few, who don't die during their four years here. But don't get greedy. Don't you dare think you'll live AND retain your personal property. The grim reaper is coming for your futon, bitch. 

Apparently the Yale campus police union is in a contract renegotiation year. They claim this leaflet has nothing to do with that, and they're simply trying to warn students about the warzone they just moved to, but don't piss in my mouth and tell me it's seawater. What an incredibly powerful negotiating tactic. You've now got an entire student body of some 6,500 kids banging down the door of their dean, begging for a police escort as they go out for a late-night burrito. Fairly sure that will move the needle in the union's favor. 

These poor kids. If only they could focus on their studies somewhere safe and clean, like Cambridge, MA.