You Can Now Add 'Rampaging Drunken Nazi Raccoons' to Your 2023 Plague List

Ronald Wittek. Shutterstock Images.

I get that when you live in the city, rats are your worst enemy. But as anyone who lives in the suburbs or rural areas can confirm, raccoons are like some kind Old Testament plague. Sure, they seem cute when their Disneyfied version is a loyal pet to Pochaontas. But don't be fooled. These nasty little Hamburglar rodents are a horror, destroying everything in your path. I've gone to war with them like Carl Spackler just in order to keep a feeder in my yard to attract birds. These varmints will not only figure out a way to steal from the feeder, they'll literally chew through a bucket made of 1/4" thick PVC just to get to the seeds inside. Until finally they won the war and I sued for peace. And I pity the people who have had their pets attacked. My niece kept chickens at her place in Vermont for one day. One. And the next morning that coop was a crime scene from which no bird was left alive. 

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While these vicious trash pandas are native to North America, they've now infested much of Europe:

Source - A 'plague' of beer-swigging raccoons trashing people's homes and eating their pets is causing 'catastrophe' in Germany.

Homeowners are being hit with repair bills of up to €10,000 (£8,600) after returning from their travels to find their kitchens damaged by the pesky creatures. …

As well as drinking beer, the animals have also been seen munching on fish and pet rabbits during their invasions, The Daily Telegraph reported. 

Germany's National Hunting Association (DJV) says it killed a record 200,000 raccoons in 2022 in a bid to curb the population, which had risen from less than 10,000 two decades ago. …

'These animals, which are so cute at first sight, have become a plague in some parts of the country,' the Frankfurter Allgemeine said.

'But the problem can no longer be eradicated, so we have to learn to live with them. In less than a century this species has made Germany its home. That's a story of both success and suffering.'

The animals have been linked to the Nazis due to the time period when they were introduced.

There is a popular belief that they were released in Germany on the personal orders of Hermann Goering, the founder of the Gestapo, in his role as head of the Reich's Master of the Hunt, but this has been disputed by historians.

That tracks. The worst kind of monstrous, fascist animal unleashing a pestilence of monstrous, fascist animals upon Europe.

But what's with this approach? You know what I all 200,000 dead drunken Nazi raccoons? A good start.

"Live with them"? Live with them? Who are you, Neville Chamberlain? Have we learned nothing from history? Since when has appeasing Nazis ever worked? What, are the critters claiming their right to Lebensraum, meaning "living space"? Are they claiming they're only breaking into people's houses to steal their stuff because they have no natural defenses and need to defend themselves? And you're just going to go along with the Big Lie? 

Because trust me, it's just a matter of time before they recognize no border, no one else's sovereignty but their own. Actually, strike that. Don't trust me, trust your grandfather and his father before him. All these vermin respect is power. All they understand is brute force. If you don't - as my father-in-law's commanding general George S. Patton put it - murder these lousy Hun bastards by the bushel, it's only a matter of time before they're crawling into Poland, slaughtering pets in Belgium, conducting an Anschluss to dominate the woodland creatures of Austria, and raiding the wine and cheese cellars of France. Never forget that the last time Nazis rose to power in Europe, it all started in the Beer Halls. 

Our thoughts and prayers are with the good people of Germany. As the German defector scientist who created Captain America put it, "So many people forget that the first country the Nazis invaded was their own." The only good drunken Nazi raccoon is a dead drunken Nazi raccoon.