A core principle of blogging at Barstool Sports is that writing about Dave Portnoy results in clicks. Clearly, the NY Post has decided to employ this strategy at an almost ironic level. They used to only cover the spicier, more newsworthy Dave stories. But of late, it appears they have decided no Dave story is too mundane to cover.
Fuck that. If anyone is going to get clicks writing about Dave, it might as well be us. I've been the unofficial Dave biographer since my first stint here:
So from here on out, I will be blogging a LOT about Dave. I'll be watching him like a hawk. Anything he does that I find blogworthy, I'll blog. Can't have the NY Post click-cucking us. Stay out of our kitchen, Rupert.
Here's a little taste:
Dave Portnoy Blames Company's Cash Hemorrhage On Inept Tech Employee
Billionaire mogul Dave Portnoy has a new enemy within his own ranks. The mercurial business leader, whose Montauk mansion was erroneously reported for sale by New York Post, took aim at one All-Business Pete, blaming the programmer for a slew of recent Barstool wobbles.
"Let's do a YouTube collab with f RnR—all business Pete. Hey let's do a basketball tournament, ticket sales will be great—all business Pete. Hey let's charge this amount for tickets to 20th anniversary—all business Pete," ranted Portnoy from what appears to be a penthouse suite overlooking the Boston Commons.
Portnoy's hinting at recent company failures may come as a surprise to many who did not know that these were, in fact, failures. It's the sort of peek-behind-the-curtain transparency that has ingratiated him to fans but terrified employees who feel uncertain of their job security; especially those who have begun the process of trying to start a family and need the company's healthcare for OBGYN visits, ultrasounds, prenatal care, etc.—even if they are not entirely sure they are ready to be a father.
Portnoy has said that he is not a fan of children. In a recent Portnoy blog that was superfluously covered by the NY Post in a gratuitous grasp for coattail clicks, he wrote "I hate kids." This revelation comes at a bad time for any employees thinking of having children, for remaining on Portnoy's good side is essential to staying on payroll. In fact, those three damning words from that blog might have caused an inability for some employees to achieve ejaculatory climax during their partner's ovulation cycle, as the employee's headspace was torn between wanting to further his bloodline and not wanting to create something his boss despises. Try as he might, the employee simply could not summon the needed seed. When asked by his partner what was wrong, he was heard to whimper, "I don't think Dave wants me to cum until we've secured a sponsor for Game Night."
We reached out to All-Business Pete for comment, but received no reply. An insider tells us the company's internet is not functioning.