Supermarket Forced To Close After The Discovery of A Spider That Gives People Wildly Painful Erections That Are Unusable

An Austrian supermarket has been temporarily shut down after one of the world's most dangerous spiders was discovered in a box of bananas.

The Brazilian Wandering Spider, which potentially roamed the aisles of a supermarket owned by the Rewe Retail Group in a town 45 miles west of Vienna, was spotted, according to the Daily Mail.

A bizarre side effect of this spider's bites is its ability to cause painful, hours-long erections. The impact is so dramatic that some scientists have studied the arachnid as part of research for impotence treatments like Viagra.

"The erection is a side effect that everybody who gets stung by this spider will experience along with the pain and discomfort," researcher Romulo Leite told Live Science.

Well that spider is gonna end up causing a divorce or two. Imagine trying to explain that to the Mrs when you're in the banana section. One minute you're just adding produce to your cart because you value the vitamins and nutrients that fruits and veggies provide. You're combing through tomatoes. Youre browsing through broccoli. Youre thumbing through tomatoes. You fuckin love tomatoes, you son of a bitch. I love that about you.

After tossing 8 containers of cherry tomatoes into your cart, you turn around and your bride's mouth is agape. She cant believe it. You have a boner right there in front of god and the whole world. Everyone sees that big ole thang darting from your trousers and looking like a tent pole that's about to bust outta your britches. WHEW. 

"Honey! Your cock!"

Embarrassed, "what about it?"

"My love, your cock is hard in the grocery store!"

"I don't know why," you exclaim while insisting that you aren't horny AT ALL.

"Oh. I see. There's a spider bite on your leg. That explains it. A Brazilian Wandering Spider must have bitten you."

"I don't know what that is," you scream out through tears. "Explain it to me like I'm 5 why is my dick so god damn hard."

"It's a spider that when it bites you... you get a painful erection like you currently have."

"Oh. Well, can you succccc the venom out?"