Rate This Late-Night Snack Tray That People Are Going Insane Over

Last night after enjoying a few adult beverages with my new neighbor pals, I scurried inside to watch the last half of The Bachelorette and a little bit of Jeoprady. The moon was high and so was I. I ended up prowling my kitchen like a culinary detective searching for my next fix. My eyes fall on a bag of popcorn – a classic choice, right? Little did I know that this would be the beginning of a snackocalypse that even the Lord couldn't handle.

Now, as I shoveled handfuls of popcorn into my mouth like I was a rabid raccoon, my gaze wandered over to a pack of nerd gummies winking at me from the counter like sexy little candy-covered tits. You know, those sweet-sour little nuggets that tickle the tastebuds like no other candy can. I thought, why not mix sugary rainbows with salty clouds of corn? So, I downed a handful of those bad boys like I was the candy version of the Ghost of Kyiv.

It didn't stop there. In a moment of sheer insanity, I locked eyes with a jar of pickles (cucumbers that are cured with heavy vinegar and dill). The salty vinegary goodness beckoned me, and without hesitation, I reached for a crisp baby pickle. Popcorn, nerd gummies, and pickles – a combo that would baffle even the most daring of fat fuckers.

Still, the snack slut within me wasn't satisfied. I spotted an oatmeal cream pie sitting there, looking all innocent and unassuming but not the typical cream pie I go for so for a moment, I wasn't sure if I would take it in my mouth. I devoured that soft, gooey treat like I was on a lick-it-up video on porn hub. (cuck stuff)

And just when I thought my stomach had seen it all, I reached for the final contender: beef jerky. By this point, my digestive system was sending emergency signals like a fire alarm in a burning building.

As the night went on, the effects of my snack-a-palooza started to set in. My stomach felt like it was hosting the Battle of Fallujah but instead of insurgents, I was at war with the melting pot of popcorn kernels and nerds duking it out while pickles and jerky squared off in a salty showdown. I was left regretting every life decision that led me to this moment especially since I polished it all off with an unseen cookie ice cream sandwich. 

In the aftermath, my stomach rumbled like a distant thunderstorm, and I lay there contemplating the life choices that had led me to this point, and much like Fallujah, I needed medical attention because I thought that I might die. 

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Spoiler alert: I lived again, bitch. 

Nevertheless, at 3 am I was awoken by thunder in my belly. My brain and my body were at war with each other and my toilet was the one who lost. Well, that and the nostrils of my beloved puppies. 

Anyway, while a conglomerate of snacks can feel like a good idea, remember that safety is paramount and that there are secondary and tertiary effects when we succumb to our inner-snack demons. Be careful out there, pals. Just because something looks good doesn't mean it's good for you. That's true for crack cocaine and for a snack board that looks like a dream come true.