To all three women at the Chicago office,
I'm sorry. Growing up with a single mother, I have nothing but the upmost respect for women. I'm ashamed of my actions, and will receive counseling starting this Friday. To Maggie, Jo, and Hannah I'm sorry. You ladies are what makes this office run. Without you three we'd have no paper towels, office supplies, humor, personality, or someone to vent to about my women problems. What I did today was unacceptable. However, I can only take partial responsibility for my actions. When I felt my stomach rumble, I didn't know I was going to drop a Hiroshima nuclear dump in the women's restroom.
There are only two bathrooms in Barstool Chicago, and Danny Dumps was taking too long. There's only so much shit a man can hold in his stomach before he pops out of his seat and sprints to the bathroom. In my defense, Jo did give me permission to use the "women's" restroom (although theres no gender labels on the Barstool bathrooms, very 2023 of us) but I probably should have warned her that I wasn't going in there for a pit stop, I was going in there for war.
So to Jo, I'm truly sorry.
As for Hannah, I don't even know what to say besides I'm sorry to you too. I could have just been a man a told you the truth when you asked. My biggest fear was having one of you three girls walk in there immediately after I destroyed your bathroom, and unfortunately Hannah you were the one who brought my biggest fear to life. When you asked if I "just pissed", I panicked and said yes. I was praying it was going to be one of those times where "my shit don't stink" but it did and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I don't know how I can make it up to you, I was thinking maybe I'll buy your next vape or something along those lines. Whatever it takes just let me know.
As for you Maggie, I let you down. We've formed a special bond being the only people in the gambling cave. You've bought me coffees, breakfast sammys, lunch, and how do I repay you? By shitting in your restroom. I'm sorry Maggie, and I hope this doesn't ruin our friendship moving forward.
But I promise you one thing: a lot of good will come out of this.You have never seen any employee in the entire country work as hard as I will to make sure this never happens again, and you’ll never see someone push the rest of the office as hard as I will push everybody the rest of this year. You’ll never see an office maintain bathroom boundaries harder than we will the rest of the season. God bless.