Judging Rough n' Rowdy Contestant's Based Only On The Information I Was Given In An Excel Sheet
I was asked to write a blog to promote Rough n' Rowdy. They sent me an Excel sheet with every fighter's name, nickname, a random fact, and their occupation. There's also a Twitter thread somewhere that includes videos to go along with some of the fights. But instead of worrying about those, I'm just going to make rash judgments about these heathens based on the minimal information I was provided. Here are all 20 fights
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Amy "Mimi The Hustler" Friend, #1 Stripper in PA, Stripper
- '#1 Stripper in PA' sounds so much worse than '#1 Stripper in Philadelphia'. If you said you were the #1 stripper in Philly I might listen. But when you say Pennsylvania I assume you're working at a dusty strip club somewhere outside of Scranton.
Jessica "Mayhem" Miller, wore Spider-Man outfit in RnR21, Personal Trainer
- I once had a girlfriend who wore a full Spider-Man costume (mask included) for Halloween. It was kind of a turn off.
Chris "The Prophet" Perciavalle, older guy, Factory Worker
- The Prophet wouldn't work at a factory and fight in Rough n' Rowdy. He'd be non-violent and would get friend zoned by hookers.
Trent "Turbo" Sayer, College Kid, Retail
- I'll give Trent credit. He did a great job of giving me nothing to make fun of. A college kid working retail. That's exceptionally unremarkable.
Brittany "The Crusher" Sydenstriker, unknown, Health Care Aid
- If you have nothing cool to say about yourself then make something up. Say you're a snake charmer. Nobody is going to call you on it.
Kira "The Killer " Huff, Activity Director, Activity Director for Nursing Home
- I would not want the lady taking care of my dying grandma to be nicknamed "The Killer".
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Louden "Fighting WVU Cheerleader" Haga, cheerleader, Chip Maker
- Nickname doesn't roll off the tongue but at least I know something about him. No clue what a chip maker is. If it's like computer chips he could be a real smart guy. But if he's making like poker chips on an assembly line then probably not so much.
Brad "Bam Bam" Allison, wrestler, Truck Driver
- I think I'm out on fat country boys with red hair and beards. Once you've seen one you've seen them all
Trace "The Strawberry Cowboy" Roby, country boy looking for redemption, Kelly's Services
- I don't like people who refer to themselves as cowboys. Cowboy is a Halloween costume for children. Grow up.
James "Italian Stallion" Bongiorno, mail man ready to go postal, Mail Man
- An unhinged Italian who works for the government. When I think "going postal" I think of someone shooting up a mall. I think he just means he's "going postal" in the ring, but it's a little concerning.
Ireland "Broadway Gabriela" Tate, Executive Assistant for a Comedian, Executive Assistant to a Comedian
- A lot of these fighters listed the same thing for their 'fun fact' and 'occupation'. I think we can all agree this "Executive Assistant for a Comedian" is just tagging along with her "comedian" friend to open mics, and just calls herself an assistant. That's probably unfair, but until I hear the comedian's name that what I'm going to assume.
Krista "Baby Machete" Mitchell, Cherry Bomb's fighting niece and Ring Girl, Hair Dresser
- I'm not sold on the ring girl + fighter combo. I need to have some separation of church (horny) and state (violence).
(Graphic not provided)
John "Butter Bean Jr." Weaver, Makes Tires, Tire Job
- #1 fighter in my book based of the information I've been given. Wish I had a picture. Any man who aspires to be Butter Bean is a man I can cheer for. Plus, he fucking loves tires.
Connor "Pretty Boy" Rogers, Builds Shit, Contractor
- I don't like how he's trying to be cute with the whole "builds shit" thing. A lot of people build shit dude. I hope Butter Bean Jr. knocks your teeth out.
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Benjamin "Healthcare Hero" Gutkowski, DM'd on Twitter to enter, Security Guard
- Sometimes sending unsolicited DM's work I guess. Bet this dude really soaked it all in during COVID when his neighbors clapped for him on his walk home.
Robert "White Seal" Longwell, Truck Driver, Pipeline
- A healthcare hero versus a man who I'm guessing thinks COVID is a hoax. Should be interesting
January "God's Work" Hogue, Spreads God's Word, Domestic Engineer
- I'm not a god guy. His word doesn't carry much weight with me.
Brooklyn "Brooklyn" Barwick, Runway, pageants, influencing, Influencer Boxer
- Is Brooklyn a pageant contestant, or is she producing/directing pageants? I'm of the opinion that anybody who's producing/directing beauty pageants should be put on a list
Cal "50 Cal" Kildow, lost to Wade Woodruff, Auditor
- I like naming yourself after a gun. I'm upset that Anthony Richardson isn't wearing #15 for the Colts, so he can't call himself AR15.
Justin "Hands of Stone" Milam, Maintenance Worker, Owns Landscaping Company
- I've always thought owning a landscaping company would be a nice life. It's very hard work, but you get to be outside, and it's a rewarding feeling to take care of a lawn. A job you can be proud of.
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Tonya "Hard Hands" Hopkins, Needs a win to continue at RnR, Federal Reserve
- You can't nickname yourself "Hard Hands" and get knocked out. Feels like a loss and a 2-2 record would force her to relinquish that name.
April "Mamba" Cline, possible #1 contender, Owns a Gym
- Look at those triceps. Hard Hands is in trouble
Chase "The Storm" Totten, Country Boy, Self-Employed
- I would prefer a 'country boy' not have to tell me he's a 'country boy'
RJ "The Hammer" Harris, Country Boy, Lays Asphalt
- I would prefer a 'country boy' not have to tell me he's a 'country boy'
Joe "Wheelz of Death" Wheeler, Local Brawler, MMA trained, Truck Driver
- If he call himself a "Local Brawler", he better have a handful of disorderly conducts.
Tommy "The Popular" Penland, Concrete guy, Cement Worker
- I don't like how our graphics person didn't photoshop the hands of "The Popular"s shoulders. Looks weird. He's just got floating hands on his back.
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Kacey "Hot Wheelz" Wheeler,#1 Middleweight Woman's Belt contender, Personal Trainer
- Hot Wheelz looks like someone and I can't place my finger on it. I keep wanting to say Owen Wilson but that's not it.
Heidi "SunShine" Goldy, Esthetician and former ring girl, Personal Care Assistant
- Don't understand why they capitalized the second 'n' in 'SunShine'.
Spencer "Muerte Blanca" Abel, worst fighter ever, Corrections Officer
- I forgot Muerte Blanca was an Abel brother. I was going to compliment the nickname, but I really hate the Abel brothers. Also, Corrections Officer is the biggest fake tough guy job in the world (yes offense). He definitely thinks he's a bad ass because he oversees prisoners who have their whole lives stripped away from them, while he walks around with multiple weapons attached to his belt? He's a glorified babysitter.
James "Trailer Park" Pugh, second worst fighter ever, Walmart
- Working at Walmart is a way tougher job than being a Corrections Officer. I've seen the Black Friday videos. I hope you bash Muerte Blanca's face in. But based on the description I'm pretty sure neither of you are capable of landing any punch whatsoever.
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Zach "Assassin King" Abel, hates Frank The Tank, Homeland Security TSA
- Frank has more success every single day than he will have over the course of his entire life
Austin "Irish Dave Portnoy" Carey, fighting for Frank The Tank, Security Guard
- I hope you punch Zach Abel right in his low hanging nipples.
"Rafezy" Acosta, contender… pro wrestler, Pro Wrestler
- Are you really a pro wrestler? Or do they pay you $40 cash to paint your face and run around a ring in Toledo, Ohio for a few hours every Saturday night?
"Dynamite" Jeremy Smith, BMFD Champion (defending), Union Pipe Fitter
- I don't know why these 2 fighters got to put their nickname before their first name, but I like that better. Having a nickname as your middle name is played out
Hunter "Polish Hammer" Markovich, #1 contender matchup, Prison Guard
- I said a lot of mean things about prison guards earlier. I stand by them. But this guy can maybe fight a little bit so, so I wouldn't say those things to his face.
Daniel "Diamond Hands" Amesbury, #1 contender matchup, Hockey Player
- I remember this guy. He can actually throw hands. I respect him.
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Joseph "The Black Italian Stallion" Mogavero, Superheavyweight Contender, Cop
- A regular Mike Tirico
Brad "The American Redneck" Huntsman, Superheavyweight Contender (redneck), Oil Field
- I feel the same way about the word "Redneck" and I do "Country Boy". I don't want you to tell me with your nickname. Show it to me by driving a tractor and milking a cow in the ring.
Michael "Make It Happen" Brown, Light Heavyweight Champion (defending)
- Good fighter. Doesn't move the needle for me.
Bobby "Lights Out" Lang, lost at RnR20, still Heavyweight Champion, Self-Employed
- I like Bobby Lang. And I love a comeback story. I also think he makes a living from boxing which is pretty cool. Not sure if that comes with a 401k, but a fun time nonetheless.