Peyton Manning is Going to Be a Professor at Tennessee, Proving Absolutely Anyone Can Work in Higher Education Now

Streeter Lecka. Getty Images.

Let's make no mistake about one thing. When it comes to Peyton Manning, I know that I'm on an island. One inhabited by a tiny group of people who never bought into his act. His fake humility. The whole phony "I'm just one of the fellas" persona he's been pulling off for decades. To me, he's always been the human equivalent of a song everybody loves that just never did it for you. A movie all your friends can't stop quoting, that you barely made it through that one time you saw it. He's that TikTok video that goes viral but doesn't make you laugh. Fuck it; to me, he practically is TikTok. That thing everyone loves that I'd rather just live without. 

I'm willing to admit it's a Tom Brady/Patriots thing. I spent the better part of a decade and a half laying out the case that there was no comparison between him and Brady:

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… as the whole world tied itself into a logical pretzel to push this false narrative that it was close. Or that Manning was actually better. A victim of circumstances because he never had as talent around him, or Bill Belichick to coach him. Which is even more laughable since he was carried to his second ring Weekend at Bernie's style by the 2015 Bronco's defense, and those same people are arguing Belichick has been exposed by his lack of success (so far) without Brady. 

But it goes deeper than that for me. He's always been that media darling who gets away with anything. Every inexcusable interception that cost his team a playoff game got excused. Every coach or teammate he metaphorically shoved deserved to be under the proverbial bus. One year before the Commissioner was comparing the low air pressure in some cold footballs to Brady using PEDs, Manning went to Europe for treatments that aren't allowed in the States. And a year later broke every major single-season passing record. But was never accused of benefiting from modern medicine. Despite the fact we had a recording of a PED lab employee saying they regularly mailed product to Manning's house. Even after reports that some of Manning's goons showed up at the whistleblowers parents' house posing as cops to intimidate them into silence, the story was met with universal crickets. Because he was so funny in the 30 different ads that ran during every NFL game. 

And just when I thought he might be limited to nothing more than doing the Manningcast with his brother who also stole two Super Bowls from me, there's this:

Source - The University of Tennessee, Knoxville, College of Communication and Information (CCI) has appointed Peyton Manning (’97) as a professor of practice starting in the fall 2023 term.  …

Manning will join select classes during the academic year as a featured expert, bringing significant industry experience to the classroom and working alongside the college’s nationally recognized faculty to provide transformative learning experiences for CCI students. 

“There is no other ambassador for our college and university like Peyton Manning, and we are proud to welcome him to the college’s faculty,” said Joseph Mazer, dean of the College of Communication and Information. …

Manning graduated from UT with a degree in speech communication after leading the Vols to an SEC football championship.

University of Tennessee. Peyton Manning. These are words I've not heard for a long time. Hmm … What is it about that school and him that rings a bell? I can't quite put my finger on it.

Oh, wait. Maybe this is it. From 2016:

NY Daily News - Thirteen years ago, USA Today obtained 74 pages of explosive court documents on Peyton Manning, Archie Manning, the University of Tennessee, and Florida Southern College that revealed allegations of a sexual-assault scandal, cover up, and smear campaign of the victim that was so deep, so widespread and so ugly that it would've rocked the American sports world to its core. Yet USA Today never released those documents for reasons I can't explain. 

Mel Antonen, now a baseball writer for Sports Illustrated, wrote about the documents for the paper on Nov. 3, 2003. Three days later, Christine Brennan, longtime sportswriter for USA Today wrote an op-ed about Peyton Manning and the documents entitled, "Do you really know your sports hero?" but the scandal pretty much died right there. …

But when the documents were sent to me on Tuesday, two days after the Super Bowl, it was immediately clear to me that had the world actually known what they contained, it's doubtful that Peyton would have ever been the "swell, golly, gee-whiz" pitchman for Nationwide Insurance, DirecTV or Papa John's Pizza. Certainly, evangelical op-eds calling him "squeaky clean" and positioning Peyton as the arbiter of all things good and decent in the world simply wouldn't be the case. …

[T]here is credible evidence that Peyton and the Manning family knowingly, willingly, wantonly ruined the good name and career of Dr. Jamie Naughright, a respected scholar, speaker, professor, and trainer of some of the best athletes in the world. …

On Feb. 29 of [1996], Naughright … was in a training room, examining what she thought might be a possible stress fracture in Manning's foot. At 6 feet, 5 inches, his feet dangled off the edge of the table. Manning allegedly then proceeded to scoot down the training table while Naughright examined his foot. At that point, she said, he forcefully maneuvered his naked testicles and rectum directly on her face with his penis on top of her head. Shocked, disgusted, and offended, Naughright pushed Manning away, removing her head out from under him.

The report goes on to explain that Manning first denied he teabagged the good doctor. Then changed that to say he "mooned" her. Then the Manning Family lawyers got the case settled and pages of the investigation into it redacted. And, as it says in the first paragraph, got the whole story spiked by the biggest sports investigative outlets of the time, Sports Illustrated and USA Today.

And now, the coverup is so complete, that Peyton Manning now returns to the campus where his balls and butthole were once forcibly dropped onto the head of an esteemed medical professional as a conquering hero. A man of letters. A respected academic. Like it never happened. It's as if Frank the Tank getting tenured by Dean Pritchard:

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 Except no one ever accused him of rubbing his sweaty taint on their heads against their wishes. 

I'm going to try not to let this destroy my faith in American academia. Because I don't have any left. 

I will say though, that if one of my kids was a Volunteer, I'd tell him to take Professor Manning's course. Any guy who is this accomplished when it comes to covering up all his sketchy activity and make the whole country still love him, ought to be teaching Communication. He's the world's leading expert.