This Week's Barstool Beast Jacket Goes To Our Tech Guy Jason Who Put Up A Better Performance Than Any Other Barstool Employee And Stunned Dave Portnoy In The Process
Atta'boys and good jobs which are probably commonplace in most corporate jobs aren't that common here at Barstool Sports. I've worked for Dave for like 3 years and maybe heard it once. Bald Paul has for about two decades now and all he ever gets told by Dave is that he's a dumb bald who sits and chews bubble gum. That's why I'm doing the Lord's work today and taking it upon me to shine a light to the dark, give a name to the face, and reward a Barstool Beast (TM) of the week. And before we get going, yes this is another blog about Barstool talking about themselves, but you clicked, and now can't comment "Oh my god. You guys are obsessed with yourselves. Do you ever stop talking about eachother?" .. Reags has his 97th Messi blog in the last month published if you want more SPORTS.
Remember that silly little jacket that almost was the straw that broke the camel's back at Barstool HQ a few months ago? We were under corporate reign, and while the number of HR employees increased, the joy certainly didn't. Anyway, let's get into this fella Jason. I love this highlight tape of him this week running tech like it's a prime Seventh Woods hoops mixtape. Dave was legitimately stunned when he walked into the room and yelled "Hand of God here. Give me a 15 second count and you're good" and then hit a Naruto run to whatever server room we got this gem hiding in. The return of Barstool Radio? Dave's on to talk about how no one in this office shows up before 10 AM and his mic isn't working? By god that's Tech Guy Jason's music! Until he said fuck it and left the room. Fine, you don't want to listen to the Hand of God? You're on your own then buddy.
He's the definition of a Barstool beast. I'm not even sure he has a last name. He's an All Business Pete hire that doesn't get any shine because ABP is too busy installing a Body Armor water fountain, Benihana hibachi chef grill, an Olympic-sized basketball court, roofball, 12 car garage, full casino with slot machines, roulette, and even craps, giant Swiss chocolate fondue, Stella Blue Coffee kitchen, and the 8th 70mm IMAX theater in the country in the new Chicago office. His guys are some of the hardest workers we've got going, mainly because tech is the hardest thing at this company that we still have absolutely no idea how to handle.
There's absolutely no point of Barstool Radio if we don't have this guy Jason on next week to find out who exactly he is. He's already off to a rocking start with a "I like that guy" by Dave when he went full sprint so he could do the rundown. The only interactions I've ever really had with him are like TV related in the gambling cave, but yesterday some guys were playing Super Mario Baseball on the Wii because SPORTS and this guy Jason comes in and starts talking about competitive Super Mario Baseball like it was the NFL. I've never heard someone rattle off so many facts about a random now obscure Mario game and let me say it was highly impressive.
You can't teach the type of heart that this guy Jason has. For every 10 Rico Boscos on vacation, you'll maybe find 1 of these Jason's somewhere and they don't command liability waivers in case they decide to throw dangerously delicious vodka/seltzer cans at other employees. So congrats Jason to winning the first ever Barstool Beast jacket, appointed by me, except there's no jacket and you don't get $500. You just get a bunch of people in the comments who will act like they don't care but then click every single time. Welcome to showbiz. You'll love it here.