Top 5 Employees On The Hot Seat Now That Dave Portnoy Has Full Ownership Of Barstool Sports Back
Nate has been asking Barstool Sports' #1 blogger by the numbers (yours truly, and thank you for contributing yet another click) to do some power rankings for a few weeks now. He and I actually got in quite the spat over it, mainly because I know most of you lads in the comment section just want to say "another shit blog AI, Barstool is dead" and move on with your day. None of you care who I power rank as my top Barstool employees, regardless of the pageviews that may potentially bring.
The video this morning that was taken by Boss Man himself got me thinking of who is on the hot seat now that he's officially back in the fold. Work starts at 10 am!
The more things change the more they stay the same. Anyway, let's get into the list of who should be losing some shut-eye knowing that Dave is watching:
1) Smitty
The file name of this photo in our backend that was uploaded by Dave is "smittydumb.jpg". Unreal. Listen, I like Smitty. I think Gametime squeezed him out and a $5,000 gaming PC should not have been out of reach for the General himself. I wouldn't want to do content either. It's not even Philly playoff season. He lives for October. And blame the corporate overlords. He just had a kid. Paternity leave is 16 weeks here now. Find a new slant. We did get one of the better Dave Portnoy Show episodes from the drama between him and Devlin so that was a win. Remember when he refused to stop calling our colleague c*mrags? Smitty man. Nothing like him. He just signed a lifetime contract and it's at the expense of being Dave's whipping boy for the rest of time. A small price to pay for salvation.
2) White Sox Dave
This list might just turn into the people whose hot seat turned cold simply because they're easy to laugh at and this is Dave's circus again. I love this photo of WSD. Just look at the guy. I actually have no real negative stories about him other than one time he travelled to NYC and told Spider, who would be on the Mount Rushmore of hard workers here, that he should clean up his mess because that's his job. Total gremlin behavior. I don't know if that's supposed to be public, but I'm not sure we even have rules here anymore, and it's so WSD to say something so absurd it hurts.
3) Captain Cons
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This is a sheer data play. We preach trusting the data right? I have nothing against Cons, in fact we've probably interacted a total of 4 times with just some simple hellos and nods. But if there's one thing Dave loves it's our O&O. The blog. You just have to put them out. Dave's first course of action immediately after complaining about how no one was here was to look at the blog numbers in an (successful) attempt to roast Smitty. Cons may have some other stuff going on, but my data shows near dead last in content blog output with only FIVE (5) for July. He's not asking you to churn out AI-like output but one blog every 6 days is some nasty work. I digress.
4) Tommy Smokes
Look at that smile on Tommy's face. He thought it was all sunshine and rainbows. He's one of the OG Team Portnoy guys and that jumpsuit collected some dust over the years. He thought he was the heir to (Dave's office) the throne. He's already been practicing. But that ill-fated coffee run this morning may have cost him everything. He arrived to the office legitimately two minutes after Dave walked around and did the roll call. All-time bad beat. I love my Fordham guys Jack and Spider though, so I'm rooting for the comeback of Smokes. He'll be back.
5) Nate
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Who's back of the week: Cracking Aces
Who's not back: Nate
Nate has been walking around with a smile wider than his profile picture since he heard the news. What turned from likely one of the most forgotten about facets of Barstool under Penn turned to the most important with Boss Man back. I've never seen Nate so happy. He looked like a man who got a new lease on life, and he somehow finagled his way into dinner with The Big 3 of Gaz, Erika, and Dave:
But that didn't stop him from showing up at 11 am today.
Come on man.
Honorable Mention: Nicky Smokes
Pray for Nicky Smokes. I've actually come around on him other than the fact that he's being facetious about his gambling record which who gives a fuck after yesterday's news. He's chosen the heel route and Big Cat is right, we need more of those. He also handles it very well and I'm rooting for him to succeed. But if there's one thing that has gained importance other than the blog in Dave and Dan's mind, it's the ability to give winners. You're best just not getting in bed with them when it comes to gambling because it's a no-win situation. We're also a private company now and I'm not sure firing Nicky Smokes if and when he bets at like 40% when he said he was a 70% gambler is out of the question. I'm no lawyer so don't quote me on if that's allowed or not. And a wise man would tell you that Mr. Smokes is 0-4 in his last MLB plays, including a "max bet" on the Marlins that lost 6-0 to the Rangers:
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Regression is a bitch. It's time to put your head down and study winners instead of taking Big Cat's parking spot.
Honorable Mention: Troopz
Get ready to learn Tottenham buddy. Dave is in charge again and it's COYS baby:
Arsenal is finished.