The 12 Guys In Every Fantasy Football League
I saw one of our competitors post a blog like this. The title was something along the lines of, "Every fantasy football league has these 5 guys". But when I read that I said, "What is this, a fast-food burger chain inferior to In-N-Out?"
Fantasy football leagues should have at minimum 8 teams. The ideal number is 12. So here are the 12 Guys in Every Fantasy Football League
P.S. This is long. It got away from me. My apologies.
The Commissioner - Your friend Zach who is in charge of everything. The league wouldn't exist without him. He organizes the draft, approves trades, collects the league dues, etc. He loves using excel spreadsheets.
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The Guy Who Stops Setting His Lineup - He'll randomly forget to set his lineup in week 5 and lose by 80 points. After he starts out 1-4, he stops caring. For most of the season he will be a free win for everybody who plays him. Then one random week late in the season he'll decide to set his lineup and try to salvage a win. He'll end up beating someone who's 1 game out of the playoffs and takes the league very seriously.
The person he beats will say, "Bro… everybody else got a free win against you. You put up 27 points against Tony last week. Now you're gonna hang 140? I'm literally 1 game behind him in the standings. That is such bullshit."
Then the guy is like, "Bitch, I paid my league dues. I can do whatever I want. Tell Zach to not invite me to play next year. You think I give a fuck if I'm kicked out of the league? I have better shit to do anyways. Fucking nerd."
But then next year comes around and they're all like, "Hey man, we really need a 12th guy, do you wanna be in the league again?"
And he'll say, "Yeah for sure. I promise I'll take it seriously this year."
And he will take it seriously at first, but if he starts out 1-4 again then the same thing is going to happen.
The Guy Who Doesn't Pay His Dues - He'll pay eventually, but it's always such a hassle to get his money.
The Group Text Guy - The guy who is responsible for no less than 50% of all texts in the fantasy football league group chat. He sends a paragraph's worth of text every time somebody on his bench scores a touchdown, or every time his running back gets a TD vultured from him. Everyone else is like, "Yes dude, that happens to all of us every week. Your team isn't special. We appreciate your enthusiasm for the league, but we can only reply with 'Damn that sucks man' so many times.
A lot of the time, 'Group Text Guy' is also, 'The Only Guy Without an iPhone So The Text Bubbles Are Green Guy'
Your Gay Rival Kevin - You don't know where the hell he even came from. One day he was just there. You've always suspected that your friends only started hanging out with him because they thought it was progressive of them to have a gay friend in the group. But in your mind you think, "Ok, does nobody realize that this dude sucks? Are you all just afraid to admit it because you think it'd be homophobic? You know it's actually more homophobic to give him preferential treatment because he's gay. If I acted this way you guys would hate me for it."
But after a few years Kevin sort of grows on you. He means well. He just says some really dumb stuff sometimes that makes you question whether he falls out of bed every morning and experiences a severe concussion. When you tried to explain gambling to him for the first time, he legitimately could not grasp the difference between a spread, and odds.
"Why are Cardinals +175, and the Rams are -10? That doesn't make any sense." Things of that nature. It was mind blowing.
The Racist - Drafts a disproportionate amount of white players and uses slurs. Insists that Cooper Kupp is the best receiver in the NFL.
The Reasonable Guy Who Finishes in The Middle of The Pack and Doesn't Get Too Worked Up About The League One Way or Another - He's just a super normal dude. Nobody dislikes him. Nobody really thinks about him much at all. He'll put a solid team together for the most part. Sometimes he makes a deep playoff run, but other times he'll get screwed by injuries.
The Hot Stacked Woman - The smoking hot girl with massive cans who loves hanging with the boys. Everybody is in love with her, but she's very much not interested in any of you. Although in reality, do you really want to date a girl like that? A Cowboys fan who screams at the TV and shotguns Miller Lites in her Dak Prescott jersey every Sunday? It sounds awesome at first, but in the long run you're going to want some separation of church and state.
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The Orphan - That guy with no parents who never shuts up about it. Like we get it dude, nobody wanted you as a kid. He thinks being an orphan gives him a better perspective on life for some reason. He said something the other day about how he can especially relate to the running backs who aren't getting paid because, "I was in an orphanage my whole life and I saw all the younger, cuter kids get selected ahead of me by loving families while I had to sit on the sidelines and blah blah blah orphan orphan orphan."
The Guy With The Least Points Scored Against Him And Doesn't Deserve to Have a Good Record - It's super frustrating, but there's nothing you can do about it. When confronted about it he'll say things like, "If you want to beat me then play a better lineup." or "Defense wins championships".
The Pedophile - nvm
The Severe Alcoholic - He has a major drinking problem. It's not like it's the elephant in the room either. Everybody talks about it all the time. You say it to his face. He just doesn't care. His liver is in shambles and there's no chance he makes it passed 50. You and the boys watch the games at Buffalo Wild Wings every Sunday, and every week after the 1pm slate he starts hitting up everyone in his phone for cocaine. You can't be buying a 4pm Sunday bag over the age of 30. You've considered attending an Al-Anon meeting.
But he's a fun time and still manages to put a solid team together every year. The guy knows ball.
Your 45-Year Old Fringe Friend Who Appears To Be Faking a Girlfriend on Social Media
So his name is Pablo, and a long time ago he worked with one of the other guys in your league. Since then he's always kinda been around. He's a friendly, outgoing guy, but he's got a bit of a weird vibe.
One day when you get home from work, your girlfriend says, "Hey have you seen Pablo's story? What the hell is he doing?" So you pull up Instagram. But when you go to his page, you see that he doesn't have a story posted at all. He's blocked you from viewing it.
So you watch the story on your girlfriend's phone. It's bizarre. First off, it's like 10 minutes worth of videos, which is WAY too long for an Instagram story. It starts out with a solo shot of him DJ'ing in his bedroom (he has legit DJ equipment). The caption says something like "The party just started! Girls are arriving!" Then the story cuts (not pans) to a group of hot young women dancing together. It looks like he screen recorded some random chicks video, then edited it into his story. Then the story cuts back him DJ'ing. Then it cuts back to a girl dancing solo, and the caption says, "I love this girl so much! I can't believe I met her! I don't know what I would do without her!" Then back to a selfie of Pablo. Then back to girls. This has been happening nearly every day for half a year. A couple times there have been selfies of him with the girl, but the picture is so heavily edited, and he obviously just photoshopped it together. He is very clearly not with these women.
You've texted all of your friends about it, and they're all blocked from his stories too. Nobody can see the stories except your girlfriend, who he apparently doesn't realize is following him. Why is he doing this? He is 100% faking a girlfriend to try and impress somebody. But who? He must have an ex that he's trying to make jealous, but nobody in their right mind would fall for these videos. They're wildly over edited. They all feature tons of weird lights and techno music in the background. It's sad really.
You all want to confront him on it so bad, but it's too awkward. And he's not really around much anymore so it's probably not worth it. But like… you have to know. What the fuck is going on with Pablo? He always finishes in the bottom half of the league.