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I Rode My Bike To Work Causing Me To Cry Tears of Joy, Sing at the Top of My Lungs, And Kiss A Man Named Rick By A Vape Shop

For the last seven years that I've been working at Barstool, I spent most of my days in my basement blogging, podcasting, and jerking off SOME-not like anything crazy but just enough to clear the ole mind. Spending so much time alone wasn't good for my brain. I had no idea really until recently, but being out and about has been a HUGE help and this morning I was ready to take the next step. 

For the 2 weeks or so that I've been in Chicago, I drove to work. It's only like 7 miles to the office but that shit took me like 45 to an hour every day. Sitting in traffic is bullshit so I had to figure out another way. 

Enter my steed. Over the past few months, I have been researching about which E-Bike I wanted to get and I settled into the yellow beauty that you see above. Gorgeous! Stunning! I came! That thing has me soaring above the clouds like the late, great, and also horny pee wee herman did in his cinematic treasure Pee Wee's Big Adventure. 

Now, Pee-wee's Big Adventure," lest we forget, is a silly little movie that follows the zany antics of the adorable and aloof Pee-wee Herman. When Pee-wee's beloved bike, the "Big Adventure," is stolen, he whisks us away on a cross-country journey to bring that fucking bike back. With his undeniable grit, wonder, and determination, Pee-wee's quest becomes a heartwarming and lesson-packed adventure that has captivated audiences for as long as I can remember. And I can remember a ton of shit. Believe that. 

I, like Pee Wee, had a great adventure this morning. 

The wind was whipping through my beard. The electric bike roared with a barely-audible hum. I rarely stopped completely at any stop signs thus upping my chances of a broken arm or whatever. I don't care because courage on a bike isn't the absence of fear but moving forward at a slow pace despite that fear. I was passing cars left and right but also only on the right because I obey all traffic rules on my bike. After all, safety is paramount. 

From my doorstep to the double doors, I was smiling. I was listening to my Limp Bizkit playlist on Spotify and then all of a sudden, Evanescence hit "Bring Me To Life" came on and I was over the goddamn moon. I turned it up and began singing softly, because I, like many of you, am self-conscious about my angelic singing voice. 

As the ride went on, my voice -like my riding skills- became stronger and stronger. By the time I reached Belmont Street and was in the home stretch, my voice boomed and people all along the way began to weep. The cries of joy rang out and my melody could have stopped both casual passersby and the green line. I felt like one of those iconic subway singers.

As I pulled off the road and onto the sidewalk in front of the building, the song and my bike came to a stop. I looked at a guy on the street, who I believe is named Rick, and tongue kissed him on the mouth. I needed to kiss someone because my heart was so filled with love. It wasn't a love for Rick but I love for riding a bike and commuting. Rick isn't bad but I don't love him but we are better off as friends IMO. 

Now, that doesn't mean that riding a bike is all fun in games. 

There was one huge drawback. 

How on earth am I supposed to eat an egg McMuffin on my way to work if I need to keep both hands on my handlebars at all times, because, as I mentioned above, safety is paramount?

Now we are cookin with gas, babies. You already know that Hot Bike Guy was gonna be searching Amazon to order that bad boy with Prime Shipping and probably free same-day delivery with a purchase over 25 dollars. Tomorrow, I thought to myself with my hands down my pants, I'll have that delicious and iconic breakfast sandwich in my face once more. 

Welp, it turns out there is no such thing but maybe I can 3D print one. I dunno. 

All I know is that riding to work was fuckin sick and I will do it again. 

I hate having to say this, but if you see me riding around, I only ask one thing. 

Giphy Images.

PS: if you're in the market for a bike, email and tell him which bike you are thinking about and why. He'll help.

Big time cuckolded