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The Miami Dolphins Suck

Ladies and gentlemen we fucking made it. NFL football is back this Thursday with the NFL Hall of Game between the New York Jets and the Cleveland Browns. I know a lot of people don’t count the preseason but I do. As far as I’m concerned, if there’s a line to bet, football is back.

As a Dolphins fan, I couldn’t be more excited for the 2023 season. Although we lost Jalen Ramsey for most of the year, I still believe this team can do something special. However, that doesn’t change the fact that this team still sucks. The Dolphins have one of if not the best throwback uniforms in the NFL and they are reluctant to wear them. It makes no sense. Everybody loves a good uniform. Even your girlfriend who doesn’t know what a first down is can appreciate a good uniform, and the Dolphins are just fucking us out of legendary uniform matchups.

According to Wikipedia and my 25 second google search, NFL teams can wear their throwback jersey 3 times per year. Last year the Dolphins wore them once and this year they will wear them twice. Once against the Patriots on October 29th and then again on Christmas Eve vs the Cowboys. It’s simply not enough. 

These uniforms should be worn 3 times every year, period end of story. Although I’m happy to see the best uniforms in football twice a year I’m livid at when we decided to wear them. Christmas Eve against the Cowboys makes sense. But October 29th against the dog water Patriots? Dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. We could wear fucking pink jerseys and still beat the Patriots by 30 points. If we’re going to wear them against Patriots, why not wear them Week 2 on Sunday Night Football when the Patriots are wearing their iconic red throwbacks? The game is going to be over by halftime, so why not just give us the uniform porn so we watch the entire game? Could you imagine turning on your TV on Sunday Night and seeing these two sexy uniforms? I’d nut. 

Not only are the Dolphins fucking football fans by not wearing them Week 2, but they’re butt fucking us by not wearing them Week 7 against the Eagles, who are wearing their legendary Kelly Green jerseys. Look at these uniforms they are a sex symbol. 

These uniforms have all of the unemployed in Philadelphia camping out to get their hands on these jerseys. I don’t blame them, if I was unemployed I’d do it too. 

The NFL is all about entertainment. When teams play on Sunday, they’re essentially dance partners. They either make each other look really good, or one makes the other look like absolute dog shit. The Dolphins are going to look like fucking peasants when they go into Philadelphia wearing our boring ass white uniform that we wear 15 games games a year, while the Birds will be rocking one of the best uniforms in the NFL. Why are we not giving the people what they want?? Imagine this uniform matchup, it was be nostalgic. 

Not to mention this game is a potential Super Bowl matchup and according to Wikipedia, you can’t wear throwbacks in the Super Bowl. The Dolphins and Birds play every 4 years, we may never get this opportunity again. Two top 10 teams with top 5 uniforms of all time, playing on Sunday night, and us fans aren't getting the uniforms that we deserve? Bullshit.

Do better Miami. Do better.