Dumping Them Out: Jim Irsay vs Jonathan Taylor
Welcome back to you're weekly episode of Dumping Them Out. For over a year now I've been sitting down to write this every Sunday, and every time I'm worried I'm going to run out of Boob GIFs. I try to not repeat GIFs too often, but it's inevitable. I can't remember which Boob GIFs I've already used and which ones I haven't. They all just blur together at this point. To be honest, I've been a little unsatisfied with their quality the last couple of Sundays. Pixel wise that is. Not girl wise. That would be inappropriate to say. Hopefully I'll be able to acquire some GIFs with a sufficient number of pixels this time around. Sometimes they look good but then we the blog is published they're all blurry. We'll see.
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Some fun Indianapolis Colts news happened last night. I've for some reason made myself the Barstool Sports Colts blogger. I admittedly do no have nearly enough knowledge of the team or the game of football in general to feel comfortable actually calling myself a sports blogger of any kind. But for the most part I can fake it well enough to get by. I think. In reality, I'm pretty sure that's what most people here do anyways. So it goes again.
Colts star running back Jonathan Taylor requested a trade last night.
I genuinely didn't have much of a reaction when this news dropped. I've been operating under the impression that the Colts won't be relevant for at least another 2-3 years, unless Anthony Richardson shocks the world and plays well enough as a rookie to carry a very below average roster to 9+ wins. But if we're assuming that isn't going to happen, then who cares. JT isn't going to be great for more than another year or two. His best football is almost certainly behind him. Plus, I have it on good authority that any NFL team can pull the fastest crack addict off of skid row, and get at least get 800 yards out of him. Just trade JT to another team who's falsely convinced themselves that they're merely a running back away. In exchange, get one of the Miami Dolphins more important players. An offensive lineman, linebacker, kicker, whoever in return, and watch them lose in the first round of the playoffs anyways.
Luckily for the Colts, our reliable owner Jim Irsay has a great big read head on our shoulders, and blessed Colts nation with a quote that put all of the fanbase at ease.
Thank you Mr. Irsay. But first things first, you're not going to die any time soon. If you were going to die you would have died a long time ago. If you make to past the age of 60 living a life of hard drugs, alcohol, and whatever 1980's steroids you were probably injecting into your heart for a decade straight during your competitive powerlifting days, then you're going to live forever. It's like what happened with Keith Richards. If you abuse the shit out of your body your entire life, but somehow make it over that 60 year hump, then you become immortal. Like a 4 billion dollar cockroach.
So aside from giving us the insane hypothetical of him dying, which we know will never happen, Jim Irsay raises an excellent point. Did Jonathan Taylor even consider the grander scheme of things when he requested a trade? Did he even think to look up at the stars on a clear night and appreciate the fact that we are but a small speck in one of two trillion observable galaxies in our universe? If Jonathan Taylor and Jim Irsay turn to dust tomorrow morning, the earth won't stop spinning. The NFL will continue not paying their running backs. Aliens will continue teasing us by kinda-sorta showing up on earth, but never quite in a satisfying enough way. I bet JT didn't think about any of that while so selfishly looking out for his own financial future, and worrying about how he will best set up his family and loved ones to live long happy lives for generations to come. Maybe take a step back and think about that, idiot.
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But apparently none of that shit matters anyways. Because regardless of what Jonathan Taylor wants, Jim Irsay doesn't plan on doing shit now, or even in October.
Looks like we have a good ol' fashioned Indiana stand-off on our hands. In one corner we have a very talented athlete who plays a position that is simultaneously one of the most marketable, yet still the least important position in sports. And in the other corner we have a crazy person who doesn't care whether he lives or dies, and has nothing to lose but his pride. I'm having a hard time seeing how JT comes out on top here. You can't out negotiate a crazy person. They're impossible to predict. Even if some team out there offers the Colts a massive haul for Jonathan Taylor. A deal that clearly benefits the Colts There's no way of knowing if Irsay will take that deal, or if he'll pull down his pants, take a dump on the floor, then smear it on the window. Neither would be a surprise.
But on the other hand, Jim Irsay might have him traded by the time this blog gets published. He may have already completely forgotten everything that went down last night. To just assume that Jim Irsay knows what he did yesterday would be borderline insane. We know for sure that the Colts running back situation is at best 2nd priority to the big Jim Irsay Collection Show featuring Criss Angel hanging from the rafters in a straight jacket wrapped in chains. You know what a really great trade would be is if Jim Irsay and Mark Davis traded teams. If you think the Las Vegas Raiders do fun things now, just wait until you see the crazy shit Jim Irsay whips up with every magician in Las Vegas at his disposal for every home game.