50 Things I Would Rather Do Than Hold Political Office at 65+Years Old
Shit makes no sense to me. I understand what everyone says about politicians being power hungry and in it for the money, but at a certain point if your brain is entirely mush, and you don't even know your own name, how do you even have the mental capability to be power hungry? It's like they're all being held hostage. Whatever. I just know if I were old as shit, there are be a million things I'd rather do than still be working in politics. Here are 50 of them:
1. Retire somewhere pleasant like Florida, South Carolina, Southern California, etc. Maybe on one of the Virgin Islands. Anywhere I can sit on the beach, get some sun, maybe play golf every now and then, and mostly just fuck off until the day I die.
2. Retire somewhere unpleasant like Detroit, Canada, North Korea etc. As long as I'm retired and don't have to work, anywhere in the world would be better than politicking.
3. Work at Barstool Sports. Retiring with a job at Barstool would be so fun. All the stress of this job comes from needing it to pay the bills, and worrying about not getting that next contract. But if I were set for life and could just do whatever the fuck I wanted without having to worry about losing a paycheck, that would rule.
4. If Barstool Sports won't hire me back, I'll simply buy my way in by purchasing court-side tickets for everyone at the company until someone let's me join them in a cross country hot dog eating tour of America.
5. Be a homeless crack addict who sits outside of the Barstool Sports office. They look pretty miserable about 90% of the time, but 10% of the time it looks like it fucking rules. Politicians look miserable 100% of the time.
6. Volunteer at an Animal Shelter and get addicted to adopting dogs because I can't bear to see them be put down. End up with a house full of 20 dogs. It would be miserable for the most part, but also having 20 dogs is pretty awesome.
7. Move to the American Southwest and ride horses across the desert
8. Adopt a mile long stretch of highway and clean up litter on the side of the road every day. Make it the cleanest stretch of highway in America.
9. Be a Hot Dog Vendor for a Major League Baseball team and yell "Hot Dogs" at the top of my lungs for 3 hours 81 times a summer (more if my team makes the playoffs)
10. Coach a Little League Baseball team and get really serious about it. Be one of those coaches who recruits kids from across the state and do shady things like establish residency for kids at homes they don't actually live so it's technically not illegal for them to play in my district. Maybe bring in a couple of Danny Almonte's. Win the Little League World series then get caught up in a big public scandal a year later. Have an ESPN documentary made about me.
11. Get super deep into wild QAnon theories and let it ruin my brain
12. Teach English classes to prisoners
13. Get a massive tattoo of a prison's blueprints on my back. Start selling massive quantities of drugs until I eventually get myself sent to prison, then break out someone who was wrongfully incarcerated. Or if I never get caught, then I just get to be a rich drug dealer. It's a win-win.
14. Start a late in life rap career.
15. Open a restaurant. Nothing too crazy. I've seen The Bear, so I understand the trials and tribulations that come with working in the restaurant industry. But maybe an artisanal coffee shop, or an ice cream parlor, or any sort of pizza shop with one of those big environment ruining brick ovens where I can create the perfect pie.
16. Work in a boutique flower shop. I always walk down this road in the city that's got nothing but flower shops. They all have some old guy in the back wearing an apron, listening to an audio book, and trimming flowers. The repeat customers come in and the old guy seems to be best friends with all of them. Everyone loves the flower guy.
17. Be a New York City street vendor that openly sells weed and fake Gucci bucket hats on a folding table in the middle of the Times Square
18. Make a living busking on the subway.
19. Live in the underground Las Vegas Tunnels with the mole people
20. Be permanently drunk. Some of the best times of my life have come when I was drunk. What if I really just leaned into it and tried to stay drunk forever?
21. Be enslaved by the Chinese to work in the Tungsten mines.
22. Train to win the Senior Division Cup Stacking World Championships (if there is one)
23. See if I can get popular on TikTok by only playing those dumb filter games. This video has 7.6 million views.
24. See if I can get popular on TikTok using the World of T-Shirts method of getting blacked out drunk and posting nonsense 50 times a day. Become his arch rival. Battle to become the true King of New York.
25. Pick a really obscure band that doesn't have a huge following and get really obsessed with them. Follow them around the country to attend every one of their gigs. But never talk to them. Make them think, "What the fuck is this old guy doing here?" Just be really weird and confusing to everyone.
26. Pick a really obscure Division-III college football team, move to their city, and become a superfan. Become a town hero.
27. Explore the rainforest and try to uncover an indigenous tribe in South America. Come bearing gifts so that they don't immediately kill me and roast me on a stick over a fire. Learn their ways. Teach them technology. Go crazy viral for it.
28. Force myself to make a list of 50 different things I would rather do than be a politician, even though I could have just done 25 and it would have been fine. Probably better actually because nobody wants to read something this long. But I'm too stubborn to turn back now.
29. Open a chain of nostalgic video rental stores and attempt revive the industry.
30. Move to Cambodia. Get a room for $10 a night that comes with a bed and a fan. Get really addicted to over-the-counter Opiates.
31. Get really into that weird kind of mini-golf where they play on concrete for some reason
32. Start a sock company that makes fun socks with bright colors and cartoon animals on them
33. Invest in the newest vape technology, start a vape company. Convince everyone I'm not marketing them to children even though that's totally what every vape company does.
34. Try to become the world record holder for most Reddit pages moderated at once.
35. Learn to sew and make my own clothing line of shirts even longer than Raf Simons. Make Raf Simons sleeves look like a couple of chodes.
36. Infiltrate the polygamist cult that is the Fundamentalist Church of Latter-Day Saints, and help girls break out and start a new life so they don't have to be 1 of 7 wives married to a disgusting old creep.
37. Infiltrate a less creepy cult who isn't as problematic and just be a regular cult member. I've always wanted to experience what a cult is like.
38. Spend all of my time and energy trying to take down the tyrannical Chris Klemmer who has gotten way too big for his britches lately.
39. Shoot my shot with the Mean Girls in Dallas (what does that even mean? like come try to hook up with them? what exactly are they asking people to do?)
40. Dedicate the remainder of my life to building the world's sickest Rube Goldberg machine.
41. Move to the Pacific Northwest, open up a local brewery in a small town and hunt for Big Foot in my free time
42. Construct a field goal post in my backyard and train youth football players to kick in the NFL in an exchange for a small cut of their first contract once they make it in the league.
43. Get really into curling (the sport). There was a curling rink in my hometown and they just drank and threw stones all day long. Except some people were way too serious about it. Eventually the ice arena where the curling rink was transformed the curling rink into a small ice skating rink. They could still curl on it, but they had to do this thing called "pebbling the ice" to prepare it for curling. And I guess the process of turning it back and forth from a skating rink to a curling rink made the ice shitty. So eventually they opened their own curling center across town. Which still kinda blows my mind. How can a curling club in Bowling Green, Ohio bring in enough money to keep a rink open year round? It looks fun though.
44. Get really into woodworking. Make a shit load of penny hockey boards. Also become the best penny hockey player in the world.
45. Start a website similar to Barstool Sports but only post videos of people freaking out on airplanes or at airports. Maybe add in subways and trains. Any sort of public transit would work. Those videos do crazy numbers every time. I really think someone could be successful using that concept.
46. Learn how to make an atomic bomb like Oppenheimer. I would obviously never use it, but can you imagine having that type of power in the palm of your hand? What a feeling that must be.
47. Become the best drone pilot to ever live in the Cape Cod area.
48. Be the first ever starter at a golf course who isn't a total power hungry asshole set out to ruin everyone's good time.
49. Become a furry and wear fun animal costumes. I'm really limping to the finish line here.
50. Build a time machine to go back in time and steal baby Hitler (not kill), and raise him to be an upstanding member of society. Prevent WWII and the Holocaust.