I'm Jealous Of Riggs New Hair

First off, the Barstool broadcast of the Korn Ferry Tour is really good. And I'm not just saying it- if it sucked, I'd say it sucked and call for All Biz Pete's head. But it's a great broadcast. However, it is distracting. Because they keep showing Riggs and god dammit, he bought himself some hair.

What the hell is this?!!? First he fixed his googly eye, then he got hair and a tan???!!! Jesus, that Rhoback money must be AWESOME. I shake my fist every day that I wasn't blessed with any sort of real talent to make myself any sort of real money, and instead I have a stupid bald head that would make Dr. Phil quiver in disgust. Maybe Portnoy has a .1% piece of equity in the couch cushions that he forgot to give me? Because god damn, seeing Riggs like this is making me angrier by the second. I'm going to keep watching the telecast, but I will be pricking my Riggs voodoo doll in the head tonight, hoping he wakes up bald again in the morning.