HONG KONG — Six months ago, Jia Zhang was still running her own small business in the eastern Chinese province of Zhejiang. But it was hit hard by the pandemic, generating meager profits compared with her efforts.
“After thorough consideration, I’m out,” said Zhang, a mother of two who was struggling to balance work with caring for her parents and children.
Now she has a new job: working for her parents full time, just being their daughter. In exchange, they pay her 8,000 yuan ($1,115) a month, which is about the average salary in China.
Pretty sure we're supposed to hate China. Or do we like them? Idk I forget who America hates and who we love these days, but that's all beside the point. Today, for the first time in my life, I considered moving out of the Chicagoland area and heading abroad to China.
I'm not gonna lie, it was the headline that sold me. "Facing Job Security In China, Some Find Work As 'Full Time Children'"
Fucking SOLD bitch! Where can I apply?
Being a kid full time? Are you fucking kidding me? Sit around, drink chocolate milk, eat mac & cheese while playing video games and watching TV all day?
Sign me the FUCK up.
Look, work STINKS. I mean not for me it doesn't, but for you peasants it does lmfao. I get it though, as I was once one of you peasants. My office hours used to be 7am-5pm M-F and I'd get woken up by asshole truck drivers at 3am on Tuesdays letting me know they just got popped for driving while they were out of hours and possessing methamphetamines.
TL/DR - I can relate to you losers.
Anyways, every single day I'd sit at my desk and think to myself, "man, if I could just go back to being a kid I'd do it COMPLETELY differently. I'd study more. I'd party less. I'd make something of myself."
None of that was ever going to happen in America though. But in China? Yeah you get paid to "be a kid", which sounds absolutely incredible on paper. I was about to leave EVERYTHING behind. My asshole friends. Barstool. My family.
All I'd need is my dog and a gunny sack full of my important shit like my baseball glove and extra undies and I'd be heading to the far east.
That was until I got to the fine print of the job description:
“My job is to spend time with my parents — for example, taking them to grocery stores — and do some household chores,” Zhang said. “Also, if my parents want to go out, I would make plans in advance, taking them to various stores.”
NO FUCKING THANK YOU!!!!
Spend time with parents? Are you kidding me? Listen to my dad bitch about how The Big Man and his son should be in prison over their overseas business dealings? Listen to my mom ask me when I'm gonna give her a grandkid while subtly ignoring she's prolly got a few bastard children already? Listen to them argue and fight and bitch and moan and tell me to do chores and, heaven forbid it gets to this point, ground me?
Yeah, fuck that. No thank you. No amount of money could make me want to put my brain through that type of psychological warfare. I'd rather beat my dick with sandpaper for the rest of eternity.
That said, they have the right idea. Just gotta get rid of the "hanging with parents" part. Sure, my job is to be a kid and kids spend time with their parents, but let's take all the awful parts of being a kid - like being with and near family - and leave in all the cool parts, like eating SpaghettiOs and watching Rugrats.
When you fine tune this program, you let me know, President Xi. I'll be all in once you do and none of you assholes in this hemisphere or on the internet will ever hear from me again. Thx