I Humbly Apologize To Brandon Walker For Serving Him Bacon From Out Of The Trashcan

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Over the course of my 34 years I've spent every waking second trying to prove how funny/charming/intelligent I am. I've managed well, too; people hold me in the highest regards. 

That doesn't mean I'm perfect, though. Nobody is. Not even Jesus Christ himself. 

On that note, I have slip ups here and there. As you'll hear in this week's snake draft, I saw an unopened plastic carryout tray of bacon sitting on top of a cardboard box last Thursday. The cardboard box just happened to be placed in/on the trash. 

I was immediately greeted by an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Both were offering tidbits of advice and/or demands. 

Like always, I caved to the devil. Caving to the devil always makes for better stories and in our cases, content. 

Ya know what I did with it?

I picked it up and offered it to Brandon Walker and he accepted the gift with open arms. I've never seen someone eat something so fast in my life. What he did to that bacon was shit you go to Hell for. 

I also consumed a piece as he shoved the rest of it down his southern gullet while complimenting those magical strips on their taste, texture and crispiness. The convo went something like this: 

BFW: "Woah, Dave, this is the best bacon I've ever had in my life, it's so crispy and flavorful, did you cook it yourself?"

Me: "Sure did! I know my way around the kitchen amirite?!?" 

And then Chief asked him where he got the bacon, knowing fully it was placed in the general vicinity of the garbage aka on top of the box that was placed in the garbage and that's when all Hell broke loose. 

It's here that I'll admit one thing and one thing only: I dominated this snake draft. Should I have warned BFW about the garbage bacon? Yeah, maybe… but the bacon was perfectly fine. Was sitting on that box (in the garbage) for like…3 mins. No different than being placed on the counter top. 

On that note…

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister! This was an example of some midwest hospitality. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm glad you enjoyed the bacon, Brandon, per your own words. 

The rest of you? You can go ahead and watch the hilarity ensue on this week's snake draft. Thank you!