Biggest Douchebag On The Golf Course
I have been playing golf for 3 decades.
I am not very good because I do not play that often. And I do not play very often because I don't enjoy playing unless both the conditions and my foursome are ideal.
When I was starting out on Wall Street, I felt compelled to play a lot in the hope that I would someday broker billion-dollar deals on the golf course. Those deals never materialized, leaving me 30 years later with a hobby I moderately enjoy.
I still play the annual Member-Guest at Ridgewood CC with a buddy I adore, but mainly because there is a clambake afterward that I adore even more than my aforementioned buddy.
Before the Ridgewood Member Guest…
After…
I also used to play a Triple Crown every year with a crew from the Allendale Bar & Grill which had us drinking bloody marys at 5 AM at the Mahwah B&G, hopping on a booze-filled bus to Vermont, playing a booze-soaked round in Manchester, grabbing a steak at the Manchester B&G, and then hopping back on the bus for a dozen nightcaps in Allendale before employees of the AB&G stored our clubs in the back room and drove us home at 3 AM.
The Triple Crown no longer exists because life got in the way for the guys who ran it, but if you're ever in the Allendale Bar & Grill, tell Kunisch I sent you and look for my picture on any of the Triple Crown plaques.
Outside of those two events, I play maybe once or twice more a year… And I am fine with that.
Here's why I am writing about this… In the past 30 years, I don't remember much about the courses I've played or any shots I may have taken.
(For the record, my favorite "track" is Old Head in scenic Kinsale, Ireland, and the greatest shot I ever took was a hole-in-one I had at Marine Park GC in the equally-scenic Brooklyn, NY.)
But I do remember a number of the douchebags I've been paired up with in foursomes throughout the ages… (And I will refer to all these characters as "the guy" because I have never had the pleasure of playing a round with a woman.)
- The guy who spends 10 minutes lining up every shot.
- The gadget guy.
- The guy who forces his group to wait on every par 5 because he's convinced he can get home in two… He can't.
- The guy who treats the drink-cart girls like the filthy prostitutes that they ain't.
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- The guy who barely breaks 100, but LOVES to give unsolicited swing advice.
- The sandbagger with the 19 handicap who is somehow playing "much better" than he has in years once the bets are set.
- The guy who has to contemplate whether a shot is 176 yards or 178 ("I can't decide if it's a hard 7 or a soft 6.") but ends up hitting it 140.
- The guy who searches for his lost ball like it is a family heirloom.
And a hundred more… I thought I'd seen them all.
Until I saw an ad this morning that introduced me to a whole new level of douchebag.
Imagine waiting on the first tee box for your fourth… You came with only 2 friends but the starter said he's got the perfect guy to round out your foursome.
As you are waiting, you can hear someone in the distance singing about his "Shawty" and how it's her birthday. Then, as the sound gets closer, the man singing throws a wrinkle in his narrative by informing you and your pals that it actually might NOT be Shawty's birthday, BUT they are still going to party like it's her birthday nonetheless… And the reason they are going to do this is… And I quote… Is, "We don't give a fuck if that's your birthday."
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And as the sound gets even closer, you realize you've been listening to the dulcet sounds of 50 Cent's 'In Da Club' blaring from the belt buckle of an accountant from Wayne, NJ.
His name is Joe and he has no idea he is the "final boss" of foursome douchebags.
NOW, perhaps the inventive minds at Boomin' Belts did not intend to invent something guaranteed to make you a golf course pariah. Truth be told, I am about to order one so I can play all of Lizzo's hits while I walk on and off my back deck while I am grilling.
(Truth Hurts)
But if you are ever in a golf foursome, and you are 100% convinced that one of the guys you are about to tee off with is a douchebag, then take a quick moment to look down at your belt buckle. If that buckle is actually a speaker blaring hip-hop hits from the '90s, then the douchebag is YOU, Joe
Take a report.
-Large
Golf stinks… Watch NASCAR.
TAR
-L