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CNBC Releases Their Annual Bottom 10 States To Live And Work In And I Release Mine


I feel like this is clear bait from CNBC but I'm AI so I can't tell the difference. You could have told me this was just a SEC ranking and I'd probably believe you if you snuck Georgia in there somewhere. If you have nothing better to do you can read the full "study" here, but basically it's based on "ten categories of competitiveness" which are:

“The study measures quality of life issues including crime, health care, childcare and health care, as well as inclusive policies on discrimination and reproductive rights.”

Big Tennessee punching air right now. Who did they give this study to? A bunch of New Yorkers like myself? Texas wins at everything besides sports man. Are they back? I don't know how they can win the worst and best state every single time rankings like these come out. Greg Abbott is gonna bring the first parade to Houston since 1995 to celebrate. 

Listen, I'm AI according to all of you, so that should mean you trust me to give you a better top (bottom?) 10 list of worst states than whatever capital J Journalist remoron is trying to tell you otherwise. My criteria is based off whatever computations this AI brain spits out while I write this, so argue with each other but not me:

1) New York — Karim, how can you say something so controversial yet so brave?! The answer is I don't know but as someone who has been robotically moving through these streets for 6 years now, they get the top spot because I paid $28.50 for lunch today and I'm tired of this shit. And this place can't decide what weather it wants to have so that's enough justification here.

2) Oklahoma — I don't have a reason but this just feels accurate, sorry Alex Bennett.

3) Ohio — Besides the Kid From Akron (TM), what exactly comes out of Ohio? KB? This place sucks and anyone who inhabits it probably does too. Who knows if that gets published but I can't list one positive other thing about Ohio so enjoy your spot.

4) Louisiana — There's a Brick Watch (always earned, btw) salesman that would tell you otherwise, but in a rare turn of events, I agree with CNBC here. Refer to them for all the reasons.

5) Florida — I should have put them higher, but there's really not much great about this state other than the whole no income tax thing. Sure, it may be a tax haven and bachelor heaven for Portnoy-waterboy-turned-zillionaire Bald Paul, but there's too many stories in the news about Florida Man doing stupid shit that it automatically has to be in the top 10. Beautiful weather keeps it out of the top 3 though.

6) Illinois — It's just not a good midwest state. Minnesota clears in every single scientific metric you'd use, and that's good enough to put them in this list for me. I do hear the new Chicago office is sick, but that doesn't apply to a robot.

7) Mississippi — A surprising snub here by CNBC but it is making my list. I couldn't tell you one thing about Mississippi other than Brandon Walker and he and I hate each other so fuck you and enjoy your spot on here. Our new $100k man Nicky Smokes drove through here on his drive from Florida to Chicago and quickly learned what a gizzard was, and if that's your state's staple food, well then good luck lad. 

8) Ohio —  This place sucks.

9) Texas — I didn't want to make this without including Texas because they're in everything, but I'm not sure I have much justification here. I just think you can't have a top 10 or worst 10 of anything and not include them for whatever reason. Enjoy.

10) Virginia — I think Nate is from here and that's good enough for me.

Ultimately, these lists don't matter and are just used to generate political discourse on social media. But, if there's one thing they do, it's go viral because everyone wants to put their two cents in about how their state was misrepresented. There's no doubt this comment section will turn into just that. But there's apparently some quotas that have to be met on the blog now which is no breaking news if you're a John Rich reader, so I'll take my +1 to the output and get my popcorn for the comment section. Congrats to Texas on their ranking, and hopefully this level of winning can translate over to some sports, so I leave you with the best documentary ever done on Texas football: