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The Briefing: The First Thing I Ever Wrote

Bettmann. Getty Images.

You might have heard Francis roast a script I wrote on the yak after I brought it to him to read over and give some insight as he portrays himself as a genius writer who is going to be integral to Barstool New York's sketch comedy collaborative where we sit on these new couches and bounce ideas off each other. Look, I have never written a script before, but if you have heard my idea for Tiki Torches and Touchdowns you may understand I have some decent raw ideas that need to be divulged out my brain into proper scriptwriting format with the earmarks of someone who actually knows how to write into a decent video. I will not let Francis's Ivy League mentality of just shitting on someone who comes and asks for guidance to look cool on the Yak stop me from trying to write stuff. This may be a terrible sketch, but I am going to use it for a blog. It's pretty enjoyable… 

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Without further introduction…

The Briefing:

Written By Billy

Man in a suit walks down the hall being pat on the back

Multiple people in suits congratulate him

John the Campaign Head of Staff of the newly elected President Bradford Mckenzie: 

“Congrats Bradford! It was a tough race, but you won!”

Bradford McKenzie: 

“Couldn’t have done it without you John, by the way…. It's not Bradford anymore it's Mr. President!

They both deep belly laugh

John, the staffer, approaches the newly elected President

John: 

Mr. President, I know…

Bradford: 

Booyah baby I am the fuckin leader of the free world John what the fuck could you have to bug me down with now. 

Bradford is boisterously cocky and basking in his victory

John: 

I know, there's just one thing before you got to your victory party. And you cant blow me off as usual. Its extremel…

Brad: 

John you son of a bitch if you hadn’t had me stop in that bum fuck town in Iowa I wouldn't have won this thing. 

John:

 Mr. President… it's much more serious than you think it's not…

Brad:

 John let's just make it quick your standing between me and the mistress that wasn't allowed on the campaign trail. 

John: 

Brad! Look at me. This is your first intelligence briefing. 

Brad:

 Oh hey there John getting nasty again! Ok John! John do you understand I am about to mount the most comprehensive reform this country has ever seen! I am going to go down with Washington, Lincoln, Roosevelt, or Obama!

John: 

The presidential briefer is here goddamn it!

Brad: 

O my god they do it this soon after?

John: 

Yes you bumbling imbecile! Caesar has briefed everyone since Carter. 

Brad: 

Caesar Kzar? Where is he?

John: 

The Secret Service transported him here he's in the conference room.

Brad enters the conference room to a stoic man sitting across the table

Brad: 

Hi there! Sorry to keep you waiting!

Caesar: 

Bradford take a seat. 

Brad confused about the extra serious tone of the man

Brad: 

You aren’t gonna give THE President, leader of the free world a congrats first.

Caesar:

 Sit down. 

Brad sits down still on top of the world and feeling untouchable.


Brad: 

Well, it's great to finally meet you, Caesar.

Caesar: 

We should skip the introductions. We have the shortest but most important brief of your presidency.

Brad: 

O perfect haha, wait you are the guy who knows everything ahah!

Caesar: 

Look if you don't want to take this seriously.

Brad: 

No seriously, lemme have some fun I just got elected. 

Caesar Unamused, cold face

Brad: 

Come on, tell me about the Aliens and UFOs 

Caesar gives him a blank stare

Brad: 

Come on, man I earned this. 


Caesar: 

Alright ill answer your questions, but you better cooperate with what I am about to tell you.

Brad snickers, thinking he has one-upped the longtime presidential confidant

Brad:

 So E.T phone home?

Caesar: 

The UFOs are advanced technology we reverse-engineered from a craft that crashlanded in Roswell. The hominids onboard we are unsure of their source may be from far space or from far time. We use that technology to defend against Nuclear attacks. 

Brad was dumbfounded and completely enthralled

Brad: 

Wow… What about Big Foot?

Caesar sighs at the infantile nature of all these questions

Caesar: 

You don’t have more pertinent questions about Russia’s impeding advancement in France or the impending failure of the newly installed Levees in New York harbor to prevent it from being flooded?

Brad: 

Come on, I have plans to legislate that; tell me about Sasquatch.

Caesar: 

There were small populations of surviving Gigantopithicus in the cave systems under national parks. Teddy Roosevelt designated those areas parks to prevent friction between humans and the ancient beasts. Franklin Roosevelt during the Great New Deal enlisted unemployed WW1 veterans to exterminate the majority of their populations. Almost none are left with too small of a population to reproduce out of extinction.

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Brad’s Curiosity causes him to lean forward in his chair

Brad: 

What about Mothman?

Caesar Continually looks impatient

Caesar:

 myth

Brad gives a fair look

Brad: 

Denver Airport, wtf is going on there?

Caesar: 

Probably the most relevant question you have asked. It is the emergency location of our government if the country is ever under Nuclear attack or the improbable situation, Washington is under enemy control. That is your main destination in any event of an attack. Bush was taken there immediately after 9/11. Now can I begin your brief?!

Caesar begins to look more and more irate

Brad: 

Interesting, last question…. What happened to JFK?

Caesar: 

Asked too many questions.

Caesar gets up and tosses a file across the room

Files says “Bradford Mckenzie 1st Term Script

Caesar as he walks out the door

Caesar:

 He also didn’t stick to the script.

Brad McKenzie sits alone in the conference room, dumbfounded and humbled

Holds his head in his hands and realizes his lifetime goal of becoming president has put him in an incredibly sinister position