Surviving Barstool | Ep. 4 Premiere Now StreamingWATCH ON DEMAND

The Two Times When Someone Jerked Off In My Movie Theater: 'The Polar Express' & 'Zero Dark Thirty'

Considering everyone's writing movie blogs this week, I felt it would be the perfect time to share a few of of my more unique theater experiences; the two times that someone jerked off in the seats behind me. 

Both incidents happened at the Ridgefield Park movie theater in Bergen County, New Jersey - where I'd later go on to work as the greatest concession boy they'd ever seen - and I didn't actually know the first wank happened until years later!

As it turned out, though - somebody was choking their chicken behind me and my mom at an afternoon showing of 'The Polar Express' in 2004. I was six years old, and completely oblivious to what was happening, just totally wrapped up in the movie....but years later, my mom and sister revealed the horrific story to me when that movie came on television.

Giphy Images.

I don't think anything was done about it by anyone, either. I have absolutely no recollection of this, but from what I've heard, I think everyone else in the theater just froze. Nobody wanted to get up to tell the teenager at the popcorn counter that someone in Theater 12 had the purple headed yogurt slinger out….so they all just let him beat his meat in peace. Good for him, I guess?

Let me ask you something, though: You ever see 'The Polar Express'? 

Giphy Images.

You know the movie I'm talkin about here, right? About the children on a Christmas train? 

Giphy Images.

Where all of the faces are kinda uncanny and not totally human-like because Tom Hanks did the motion capture for all of them - even the kids, and they didn't account for an adult facial structure being different than a child's? 

Giphy Images.

Do you know how much of a sick fuck you have to be to jack off to 'The Polar Express'?!

Pee Wee Herman was basically shunned from society for rubbing one out in a theater, but at least has was watching porn in a porno theater! This guy was lookin at animated kids! God, he's probably got a full Buffalo Bill setup in his basement by now….

Giphy Images.

The next movie theater masturbation incident that I was lucky enough to be witness to comes eight years later, in 2012. The movie was 'Zero Dark Thirty', based on the true story of Seal Team 6 taking out Osama Bin Laden.

Same exact movie theater, on another dead afternoon (not more dead than Bin Laden tho, amirite?), but this time it was me and my sister, not me and my mom. I think the movie must've been out for a while by the time we saw it, because we were the ONLY two people in the entire theater for it….until someone walked in about 45min into the showing and sat in the back row. 

That's never a great sign, and this was only a few months after the 'Dark Knight Rises' shooting, so we were terrified.

Immediately, they started making lots of weird noise from behind us (coughing, yawning, crinkling bags/plastic, opening cans, etc.), and we were completely distracted and couldn't stop trying to sneak a peek of the guy. 

When I eventually caught a glimpse of him during a bright, desert scene, it became pretty obvious that a hobo homeless unhoused guy had strolled into the theater and made it his home for the afternoon.

Then, I don't know if it was Jessica Chastain or the hardcore patriotism/terrorist torture in that movie, but something did it for him, and within a few minutes, the coughs turned into moans, and the crinkling turned into fapping. It was unmistakable, and as disgusting as you could possibly imagine. I don't know if he was lubed up with concession stand popcorn butter or what, but it actually sounded wet.

Giphy Images.

So what did we do, you ask?

Giphy Images.

We did exactly what our mother raised us to do. We sat there silently trying to pretend that it wasn't happening again, and we let that bum crank one out. 

I wasn't gonna test my luck by getting into a confrontation with this pervert (especially at 14 years old), but I also wasn't gonna leave my sister alone in the theater while I went and complained to the ticket taker! And I certainly wasn't gonna let her leave ME alone in the theater while SHE went and complained to the ticket taker! And we couldn't leave together because we had to watch Bin Laden get shot! For America!

So we did just that, and kept our eyes on the screen. As Seal Team 6 blew Osama to smithereens, that perverted patriot behind us blew a load into his pants that I'll never forget.

Hopefully I never have to write a blog about hitting the movie theater masturbation hat trick, but who knows - if I see Dune 2 with Jeff D Lowe I may have a brand new story to tell.

Check out the new episode of My Mom's Basement below….