This tweet introducing me to the "Seattle Dog" came across my timeline earlier today. At first, I was revolted. I don't know if it was the idea of throwing cream cheese on a dog that didn't sit right with me, or maybe just this particular version of the Seattle Dog looked like hell. But thanks to the algorithm, I ended up seeing it about another 5 or 6 times before I finally decided to run over to the grocery stores and give it a try myself.
Is it perfectly fine? For sure. Nothing wrong with that hot dog whatsoever. Hot dogs are delicious, fried onions are delicious, cream cheese is delicious. Put all of them together and you've got a solid product.
But solid is about as far as I'd go in terms of grading the Seattle Dog. There's just an underlying sense of un-Americanness with every bite of that dog. Something about it feels wrong. And that's due to the fact that there's no mustard.
I don't care who you are or what you think--wherever there's a hot dog in the world, there better damn sure be some mustard right next to it. Preferably spicy, but I'll settle for some classic yellow. It's one of the most elite combinations in culinary history. The saltiness and fatty-ness of the meat rocket combined with the sharpness and acidic punch that mustard brings. It's everything you could ever ask for when trying to achieve the perfect flavor balance.
Can you put cream cheese on a hot dog? Of course you can. But should you? Only if you hate America.
Sidenote: I went ahead and made my own hot dogs from scratch for the 4th of July.
They were 100% ground up brisket. As far as quality of meat is concerned, probably some of the best you could ask for. And while they turned out pretty solid, there's just something special about a cheap hot dog made from overly processed shitty meat that you can't replicate with a home cook. Maybe some foods are just meant to stay at the level they're at.