Despite keeping Scottie Pippen's last name in what really seems like one of the thirstiest clout chasing move of all-time, Larsa and Scottie Pippen have been separated since 2016 (officially divorced since 2021). Since then, Larsa has dated the likes Future, Tristan Thompson, Eric Moreland, and Malik Beasley. And if you're a man of news, I'm sure you've seen the headlines regarding her current boyfriend, Marcus Jordan - the son of Scottie Pippen's former Chicago Bulls teammate, the 2x NBA Slam Dunk Competition Champion and star of the film Space Jam, Michael Jordan.
By most all accounts, Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen hate each other. I guess hate might be a strong word, but there is definitely some animosity between the two. I'm pretty sure Scottie Pippen is thinks he was the true star of the Chicago Bulls, which implies that he's mentally ill. He literally tried to claim earlier this year that Michael Jordan was a quote "horrible player."
The two have been in the news again this month, as Michael Jordan told a group of screaming camera people that he does not approve of his son Marcus and Larsa's relationship.
A comment which apparently strong enough to leave dear sweet Larsa Pippen, "traumatized".
Maybe a slight overreaction, considering that was a complete nothing of a comment made my Michael Jordan as he was getting into the back of a car just trying to get away from the paparazzi. But she was traumatized nonetheless.
Which got me thinking, if Larsa has really be "traumatized" by this ordeal, then why the fuck are you dating Marcus Jordan in the first place? I'm sure it's kind of hot to be dating someone as taboo as the son of your ex-husbands former teammate turned arch rival. But when they made the decision to start dating, they obviously knew this shit was coming. She should be thrilled that a quick "no" from Michael Jordan is all that she's gotten from him. That's as good and harmless as you can ask for really.
Larsa.. if you truly have reached the point of being fully traumatized, it might be in your best interest to ditch the Jordan kid and try your luck with someone else. Another famous person perhaps. Obviously you're not going to date someone who doesn't at minimum makes the headlines of the NY Post, but that still leaves you with plenty of options.
Scottie Pippen - Maybe just put all of this dating people for headlines stuff behind you and get back with Scottie. He's clearly lost out in the world on his own. You could probably sell some sort of reality show revolving around you two reuniting. I know you're interested in that.
Russell Wilson - Don't let the fact that he's married with a child to one of the hottest pop stars of 2004 deter you. I don't buy their whole "happily married" crap for a second. Their perfect marriage is all smoke an mirrors. A stiff breeze could break them up. You can't tell me there's not a part of Russell Wilson that doesn't want to cuck Future twice. Not many people can say that. Slide into his DM's one a picture of your boobs and a bible verse and he's all yours.
Malik Monk - I know you have a penchant for NBA players of slightly above average skill level. And if you wants to get back at Michael Jordan for so rudely traumatizing you, maybe dating the player he slapped in the head that one time would scratch the itch?
Dennis Rodman - If you're really trying to keep it in the family, then give known psychopath Dennis Rodman a shot. I'm sure you've wondered what it's like to bang Dennis Rodman if you haven't already. We all know he's a fucking freak.
Marca - He famously told of how he broke his penis three times from sex, once on a boat. "Me and my girlfriend, we were on the back of the boat in a kingsize bed and she said 'I think I'm going to try something different'," Rodman told Vice TV. "She told me to walk over there and told me to run and jump in her p***y. "There was blood everywhere. She's screaming and screaming 'Oh my God, he's dead'.
Sounds pretty cool right? Also, if you're like me, then you're endlessly fascinated by North Korea. I wish I could go be a fly on the wall of some shady government meetings so . Dennis could probably get you in a room with Mr. Jong Un himself.
Victor Wembanyama - If you're interested in assuring that Wembanyama ends up a bust, dating you would be both the first and final nail in the coffin. Also, it might give you a path to start beef with Brittney Spears which could be fun.
Delonte West - This would be a hell of a road to go down, but imagine if you were the person who was finally able to get Delonte West back on the straight and narrow. You'd be a hero across the NBA. Honestly, he seems like a great guy. Just went down the wrong path (embalming fluid addiction) for a minute. This is actually a pretty inspirational video from his Twitter. I'm cheering for the guy.
Darius Clark (Slamball) - You might recognize Darius Clark from making one of the first slam dunks in the ESPN Slam Ball era.
I know you prefer dating higher profile NBA players, but just think about this for a minute. I know you are THE Larsa Pippen (still weird you've kept his last name by the way), but amongst all of the wives and girlfriends in the NBA, you're going to get lost in the shuffle. Half of all NBA players are dating someone famous. Stop being a little fish in a big pond, and start being a slightly bigger fish in a tiny pond. If you date a slam ball player, that's going to make you the First Lady of Slam Ball. I have it on good authority that Slam Ball "is back", so how about you get in on the ground floor and instantly become the most famous WAG in the league
John Rich (Me) - Moving away from sports. I guess technically I work for a sports company, but we primarily blog about TikTokers and Adam22 nowadays. Anyways, I'm not married yet., I'm a catch, my jawline can cut glass, heroin sheik is in right now, I'll blog about you whenever you want, etc. Plus, it would be a huge help for my career. I need to start making waves at this company if I want any chance of my contract being renewed.
Rob Kardashian - You've already had a handful of appearances on Keeping Up With The Kardashians, and I'm sure you're interested in making more. I don't know if Rob is currently single. I'm also pretty sure he's not even featured on The Kardashians anymore. But maybe if you dated him that would a juicy enough storyline for you to get back in the mix.
Brian Szasz (Son of Billionaire killed in Titanic Submarine) - He's been begging for attention ever since his billionaire step-day imploded in a homemade submarine 3,500 meters deep in the Atlantic Ocean. He claims he has a massive inheritance, which I'm sure is important to you. He's publicly complained, and I quote, "With millions to spare I still can't get laid." You could help him with this. But mostly you could just fleece him for all the money he has to his name.