After this past weekend, one thing has become abundantly clear- There are too many Barstool employees getting married nowadays.
And although I am thrilled for everyone tying the knot, it's important to remember that, according to San Diego divorce attorneys Wilkinson & Finkbeiner, almost 50 percent of all marriages in the United States still end in divorce or separation. Perhaps you thought that number had gotten better since the last time you checked, but apparently, it hasn't… I blame the vaccine.
Every 42 seconds, there is one divorce in America… That equates to 86 divorces per hour, 2,046 divorces per day, 14,364 divorces per week, and 746,971 divorces per year. My math might be off, but you get the point.
And looking at the crop of my recently engaged or married coworkers… Francis, Cons, Marina, Chico Technico, The Wonton Don, Frankie, Ria, Joey Camasta, Fran, Marty, and at least two others who may not have made it public yet… I don't necessarily see 50 percent of those people calling it quits on their marriages, but realistically, you have to assume at least a couple of those couples will eventually cut bait.
Usually, I would sit back and wait for the bad news to hit the tape, but since I legitimately enjoy almost everyone I mentioned above, I decided to offer my services to these youngsters. Instead of money, I am going to give them some advice.
I've been married for over 24 years. It started when only 10 months into our relationship, I whisked my then-girlfriend to Paris and popped the question as the lights went on within the Eiffel Tower in the background of my bended knee. I would never recommend anyone get engaged after only 10 months. However, if you have the means (and I no longer do), I would HIGHLY recommend the Paris move. A quarter of a century later, my wife and I will still find ourselves in conversations with couples, and once the other fella describes how he presented his ring wrapped around a hot dog at the site of their first NY Jets tailgate, I swoop in and blow their fucking doors off with my Paris story.
But only 10 months of dating is an absurd time-lapse for any intelligent person to think they've gathered enough empirical evidence that they should spend THE REST OF THEIR LIFE with someone else. I consider myself extremely lucky that I chose so wisely at such an early juncture.
So after more than two decades of wedded bliss, here is my advice:
So many people think a good relationship is built on having shared "likes"… Maybe you both enjoy hiking or Indian food. Or perhaps you both like the shit-your-pants roulette game of hiking right after you have Indian food… Having common interests is certainly a bonus, but I think there's another commonality that is even more important: A good relationship is actually built on you hating the same things.
Your spouse will always have interests that don't align with yours… She loves golf while you're more of a pickleball enthusiast… She enjoys anal whereas you feel vaginal sex is more in your wheelhouse.
Potato vs potahto, and the world keeps spinning.
But when you both have a deep-seated hate for the same person, topic, nationality, or custom you can spend 10,000 hours venting to each other just how terrible English people are, and it's those common feelings of hate, rage, or anger that will inspire and strengthen your bond of love for each other.
Aligning your "likes" will inevitably prove to be too difficult… Particularly over time. Trust me.
But hating the same shit will prove to be exponentially easier to do… Particularly in this day and age where people have multiple platforms to express ideas and beliefs that are easily hateable.
So, in conclusion, Francis, Cons, Marina, Chico Technico, The Wonton Don, Frankie, Ria, Fran, and Marty… As you crazy kids start your life with that special someone, try to remember what Uncle Large once said/wrote- Love will only get you so far, but shared hate is the real key to a happy marriage.
Otherwise, you might want to add San Diego divorce attorneys Wilkinson & Finkbeiner to your contact list.
Congrats, good luck, and take a report.
A new episode of Rubbin' Is Racing just dropped… Spider, NASCAR's Jessie Punch, and I review one of the best races of the season (albeit with a questionable ending) and preview this weekend in New Hampshire…