I admittedly haven't been paying extra close attention to Jamie Foxx's health situation. I've mostly just seen headlines regarding his hospitalization, and from a far it looks like things we're touch and go with him for a while. Part of the reason I, as well as a lot of people, don't know much about it, is because they've done an incredible job keeping everything under wraps. Signs seemed to be point to a stroke, but even that has not been confirmed. Mike Tyson seemed to think that way.
And most articles regarding his hospitalization all go something like this.
Mid-Day - Hollywood actor Jamie Foxx is apparently beating the odds to survive his recent medical emergency. While there are very little details of his health scare, a new report says that his condition was so serious that he almost died.
"Jamie suffered a serious medical episode and needed immediate attention," a source told Radar Online, reports aceshowbiz.com. The 55-year-old actor reportedly had to be revived by doctors, but their immediate actions luckily saved his life.
"It was touch and go for days with him, and he had to be revived - he is very lucky to be alive!" the insider added. "He's very lucky he got the treatment he did." As to what led to Jamie's medical emergency, the source explained: "Jamie suffers from high blood pressure, which doctors say can cause clots in the brain leading to a stroke. Doctors believe this was a long time coming, and really, if they hadn't acted fast, Jamie might well have been a goner."
Regardless of what happened, that's scary as hell. It really sounds like we almost lost him there for a minute. However, there was some positive news on Sunday. Jamie Foxx was spotted out and about on a boat, seemingly in good spirits. At least he gave a good-spirited wave/fist pump to the camera.
I'm not here to speculate wildly on what Jamie Foxx's condition is, all I know is that it sounds like he almost died. And spending a day yachting on the scenic Chicago River seems like a delightful post-almost-death activity. But I imagine just about any post-almost death activity would be pretty fucking nice. Cleaning the gutters, doing your taxes, stubbing your toe, watching an episode of Young Sheldon, getting evicted from your home mid-covid because your landlord declared bankruptcy and needed fast cash (happened to me), literally fucking anything would be a treat when compared to dying. Here's a quick speed rankings of the best things to do after a near death experience.
I've always wanted to go skydiving. Everybody I've ever met who has had the privilege of doing so says it's one of the greatest thrills they've ever experienced. Everybody should hurl freely towards the earth at 120mph with a bearded man strapped to your back at least once before they die.
Attending a Live Concert
Some of my fondest memories are of live concerts. Even the one's I've attended sober. Even music genres you don't typically listen to are enjoyable when heard live. Unless it's some type of polka music, or anything that's too accordion heavy.
Attending a Live Sporting Event
A nice safe, simple activity that is guaranteed to be a good time. Just sit back, relax, and watch the best athletes in the world go to work. You'll have an even greater appreciation for the talent in front of you now that you have a new lease on life. I'm not really sure why that is, but people always say shit like that.
A less safe, yet still fairly simple activity. It might not be a good the first time, because you'll probably end up feeling sick, but stick with it for a week or so. By the 3rd or 4th time you're really gonna love it.
Sex With a Beautiful Woman
Seems like a fairly obvious answer. Everybody loves a good roll in the hay. I've never understood why "roll in the hay" is a euphemism for sex. Hay has to be one of the worst possible surfaces to fuck on. Have you ever tried to bale hay in short sleeves? It's a nightmare. Cuts the shit out of your arms. If you're having sex with a beautiful woman, just do it in a bed.
Sex With a Beautiful Man
We're sex positive here at Barstool Sports. It would be wrong for me exclude any of our female or gay readers. Same rules about hay apply.
Sex With a Bunch of Beautiful Women or Men (Orgy)
Gotta think that would be a pretty neat activity to partake in as well. Unlike Heroin, I don't know what an orgy with 10 smoking hot Las Vegas prostitutes feels like. But if I had to guess I would bet it feels "good".
Eating Ice Cream
Specifically a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Blizzard (if you know what that is)
Fight Club Style Fist Fight
Nothing makes you feel more not dead than throwing hands with a formidable adversary in a Wilmington, Delaware basement. At least I would think so. I've never been in a real fist fight, but I did locker box my friend Cole in the hockey locker room once. We wore helmets and hockey gloves, but it still hurt like hell. I'm pretty certain it gave me a concussion. There's something incredibly therapeutic about throwing hands with zero restraint at another human being.
I should have said this earlier, but in this hypothetical situation, you've made a full recovery and are back to 100% health. Obviously you don't want to be dabbling with heroin or cocaine if you have lingering health effects that a hearty dose of heavy narcotics would exacerbate. But if you're really all better, cocaine could be a fun time. You just need to make sure you have enough of it to do throughout the day. You don't want just one line. You'll end up feeling like shit 30 minutes later. But if you space it out appropriately it makes for a real swell evening.
If cocaine doesn't sound like enough of a thrill for you, might I recommend crack rock. It's the same thing as cocaine, but much more potent and much much more destructive to your life. Imagine if you would have died without knowing what a crack high feels like. Any drug strong enough to fully ruin lives on a daily basis must be fucking awesome. There's a reason people choose crack over their children, and it's not because it makes them feel bad.
Riding Roller Coasters at an Amusement Park
Roller Coasters are great for thrill seekers who aren't quite ready for sky diving, fist fights, or hard potentially life-ruining drugs. Specifically, you should go to Cedar Point: America's Rockin' Roller Coast. My favorite ride is The Maverick.
Submarine Voyage To The Titanic
Everybody is slamming the now dead billionaires who paid $250,000 to cram together inside of a submarine made out of items found at a garage sale. But hindsight is 20/20. For starters, to be one of the only people on earth to have seen the Titanic at the bottom of the ocean is kind of cool. But even better than that, think about the relief you would feel once you made it back to the surface. That must be the best feeling of relief of all time. That alone might make the trip worth it.
Note: In hindsight, how fucked up was it that while they were searching for the Titanic submarine, someone reported that they were hearing knocking sounds that could be coming from the sub. That's so mean to do to the families. I'm sorry, but once that submarine disappeared, that was the most dead a group of people has ever been in the history of the world. The families were probably starting to come to terms with it all, then they got this stupid "mysterious knocking" news that gave them false hope and just extended the whole excruciating process for them.
I'll stop there. I could go on listing hard drugs forever, but you get the point. Also, I would be remiss to blog about Jamie Foxx without including my very favorite Jamie Foxx related video of him recording Slow Jamz with Kanye West for The College Dropout. One of the greatest albums of all-time. Truly zero skips.