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The Tom Brady-Kim Kardashian Rumors are 'Heating Up.' And if True, This Will Be the End of All Things.

NY Post - The sparks were apparently flying inside Michael Rubin’s star-studded Hamptons bash over the holiday weekend.

Tom Brady and Kim Kardashian “were super flirty with each other” at the Fanatics CEO’s annual white party, a source told the Daily Mail, alleging the duo was “seen during the day on the beach together and again dancing at night.”

An insider claimed the retired NFL quarterback, 45 “is exactly [Kardashian’s] type.” ...

Kardashian, who settled her divorce with Kanye West in November 2022, was said to be shopping for a vacation home in Brady’s exclusive Bahamian neighborhood, Page Six reported in May.

“Kim and Tom are friendly. She phoned him and asked him for his advice on Baker’s Bay,” a source said at the time.

A Brady rep shut down romance speculation, however. 

“Kim and Tom have friends and business partners in common, but they are not dating,” a source told Entertainment Tonight.

It was important to include that last part, about the friends and business partners and the extreme lack of dating. Because it's summer and the weather is beautiful and we all deserve a message of hope. Because make no mistake, if there's any truth at all to the speculation about Brady and Kim Kardashian, our Doomsday clock has finally reached 0:00. 

Not to put too fine a point on it, but this relationship would break the Seventh Seal and bring about the End of Days. Brady dating a Kardashian would be the ultimate corruption. The offering that pleases Moloch more than all the child sacrifices performed in his name, and he would unleash his war against heaven.

For years now I've been repeating for anyone who would listen that, like all of us, I hope and pray that America never gets attacked again. But if it does happen, I hope the terrorists say they were motivated not by politics, but by our television. I'd want some manifesto that says "We've watched your dating shows, your child beauty pageants, your rich housewives throwing wine in each other's faces, that one where they try to hook up with each other's sons, and most of all your Kardashians doing a whole episode about Kim losing an earring in the lake that is worth more than 10 of our families have to live off of for a year, and we decided American culture is  a scourge that needs to be eradicated from the Earth." Not to advocate for violence of any kind. But at least you could relate to the underlying motivation.


And yet I'll confess, over the years I've come to a grudging respect for Kim K's game. Here is someone with no discernible talent whatsoever. She doesn't sing. Doesn't tell jokes. She's not a writer, an artist, a scientist, a philosopher. And yet she's figured out a way to build a massive empire with enormous influence and a cult of personality with followers numbers that all other world leaders can only dream about. All of them zealots who spend their lives trying to look, dress, act and smell like her. Her success is really one of the great accomplishments of our times. 

But that doesn't mean she's not a terrible, corrupting influence on society and the last person Tom Brady should be dating. As Joe Rogan put it, it's just possible that when you're around crazy long enough, you become crazy:

It comes down to this: These two climbing into bed together is worse than unnatural. It's destructive to all that we know and love. Tom Brady is a luminous, magical being and a force for pure good in the world. Kim Kardashian is the exact opposite. Their coupling would be like in Star Trek when they say that if two identical particles of matter and anti-matter come in contact, it will destroy the universe. Or what Egon says about crossing the streams in Ghostbusters. "Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light." Only this would be worse.

There are 3.5 billion women in the world. Billions of them single. Hundreds of millions of them desirable. Possibly a couple of dozen of them up to the standards that Brady deserves. Date one of them, GOAT. Do not make this unholy alliance. The fate of the world depends on it. 

Or to put it differently? What he said: