Hip Replacements Are Up And Health Insurance Companies' Stock Prices Are Down Due To Old People Getting Hurt Playing Pickleball

Earlier this month, shares of big health insurance companies fell after UnitedHealth Group Inc. warned that healthcare utilization rates were up. At a conference the company had said that it was seeing a higher-than-expected pace of hip replacements, knee surgeries and other elective procedures. 

In a new note out Monday, UBS Group AG analysts led by Andrew Mok offer a surprising theory about one factor that could be driving a higher pace of injuries: pickleball.

Listen I'm not here to knock Pickleball. I fuck with Pickleball, and I have for a few years now before it became hot in the streets with everyone and their sister grandmother. But let's be clear why I fuck with Pickleball: you don't really have to move. I'm 30 years old, and I love tricking my dumb brain into thinking that playing a few games of Pickleball counts as real exercising, making the beer and wings I go get afterwards a no big deal. Shockingly, I've never 'exercised' more than I am right now, and I've never weighed more than I do right now. So no, I don't think Pickleball is the most strenuous of activities.

HOWEVER, one thing you will find about Pickleball is that old people fucking loooooooveeee it. Now why is that?

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It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the same reason I love Pickleball is the same reason old people everywhere are dusting off the old sneakers: you don't really have to move. Unfortunately, old people appear to be learning that not really moving still isn't a good idea for people in their upper 60s and 70s. Look at these Pickleball injury statistics:

And that leads us to where we are today. Health insurance stocks were falling and at a company conference, they said it was due to hip replacement and knee surgeries being unexpectedly up, and now today it comes out that everyone's best guess is because old people went from reading newspapers and listening to baseball games on the radio to playing Pickleball.

Hey you old people: dig your own graves but if this is going to make the cost of my healthcare rise, then let's get back to watching Jeopardy and going to bed. Leave the fun and games to the young and able, respectfully.