Welcome back to an early Sunday edition of Dumping Them Out. I think. I actually have zero control over when this is published. But I did wake up at 7am to write this, because I have to leave for the Barstool Pride Parade by 10. Instead of taking 2 hours out of my Saturday on which I did literally nothing productive, I decided to save this for bright and early Sunday morning for some reason. In hindsight, it would have been pretty cool to sleep in today. But nope, Past John fucked over Future John once again. A tale as old as time.
A year ago on Friday was the day I "won" Barstool Idol and got hired. Technically, I got 4th place. Although it seems like saying I got 4th place is selling myself shot. I'm pretty sure I would have won if they didn't decide to prank me instead. Anyways, I thought about writing one of those "I've Been At Barstool For 1 Year and Here's What I Learned" blogs, but I wanted to save it for this. If I'm going to talk about myself at all I'd much prefer to split up the paragraphs with Hot Fresh Boob GIFs.
Best Thing About Barstool: The Tungsten Federation of Greater New York. It's definitely the thing I have the most fun doing. It's not even for content really. It's literally just an inside joke that has carried on for way longer than anticipated. I'm not positive what the goal of it is, other than making sure I look as dead as possible in every picture I take.
Worst Thing About Barstool: Not being able to totally shut your brain off on the weekend. Even if I'm not working at all over the weekend, I'm just in a constant state of feeling like I should be doing something else. Since you don't really get any feedback at Barstool, you kinda just have to guess if your bosses (still not really sure who that is) think you're working enough. So you just always feel like you should be doing more.
Most Surprising Thing About Barstool: The snack selection is one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen in a "professional" setting. We had Dunkaroos once. Sometimes we have those applesauce tubes you squeeze into your mouth that I'm pretty sure I meant exclusively for children who don't have all of their teeth yet. One day I walked into the kitchen and there was a package of Push-Pops that looked like they were purchased off of a teenager selling candy on the subway to support his youth baseball team.
Then all of those snacks are surrounded by enormous bottles of vodka, and High Noons, and Pirate Water, and whatever soda's Frank is drinking this week. It's really a fun surprise every day.
Least Surprising Thing About Barstool: I still don't have a key card to get into the building
Gayest Thing About Barstool: Pat & Joey, not even close
Nicest Person at Barstool: Dave Portnoy. Love that guy, he'll be in my wedding
Meanest Person at Barstool: Jerry Thornton. Sends me threatening DM's on a regular basis, has been trying to run me out of the company from day 1
Person I'd Most Like To Fight At Rough n' Rowdy: Jerry Thornton. Talk shit get hit brother. Let's settle this in the ring.
Meanest Person on Twitter: This dude named Fred Williams. He's a menace. He takes zero days off. He lives for hating on Barstool. Says some really mean, personal stuff. Not mean as in angry, just like the most hurtful things he can think of said in a very matter of fact way. I have nothing but respect for Fred. Fred, if you're reading this, I love you, I think about you frequently, and I think you're doing just great.
Best Restaurant Near The Office: Nothing. Somehow r office is located in an area of New York City with absolutely nothing going on. It's somehow right in the center of Manhattan, but also has fucking nothing within half a mile. It's like a weird vortex where all of the homeless people funneled to, and despite being a store every 10 feet, there's somehow nothing that anybody wants.
Longest Legs at Barstool (Boy): Large
Longest Legs at Barstool (Girl): Caroline Baniewiczcsk
Person Who's Approval I Want The Most: Frank The Tank. Easy. I really just want him to like me and think I'm cool. He doesn't give you a lot back, but when he does it's extremely rewarding.
Barstool HR Employees Ranked: No clue, I don't know who they are. But that one time our HR guy started ranking us on Twitter was pretty wild
One Thing I Could Change About Barstool: I would like to be recognized in public more. Happened a lot at first, but it's died down significantly. If you wouldn't mind yelling my name if you see me in public that would do wonders for my ego. That's actually not a change about Barstool at all, but whatever. I just want that to happen more. Please do it, thanks. Here's my picture again for reference.