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This Late, Great 'Gluttonous Eater of Fried Foods' Who Hammered Room Temperature Beers Gets the Viral Obituary Every Man Dreams Of

The critical situation involving five men at the bottom of the Atlantic is a reminder none of us needs of the fate that awaits us all. Whether you're a billionaire, the child of a billionaire, a deep sea explorer or the humblest among us, Mortality is still batting 1.000 for its career. As MacBeth puts it so succinctly, "Out, out, brief candle."

The best any of us can hope for is to live a good life. One that is well remembered by those we leave behind. This is something I think about more often as I face the fact I've got more yesterdays behind me than tomorrows ahead of me. But also as I find myself saying my last goodbye to more friends and relatives. In fact, it fell to me to give the eulogy for my beguiling Irish Rose's dearly departed mom last year:

And while my mother-in-law's family and friends seemed to appreciate the effort and have said positive things, I must admit in no way did I give her the sort of remembrance this Kentucky trailer park king received. Not only did his loved ones immortalize this special and unique man, they made us all realize he - and they - set a standard we all must aspire to in our short time on this planet:

Source - A Kentucky trailer park dad who “hammered” room-temperature Busch beer, devoured fried food and considered himself a lady’s man was remembered in a hilarious obituary that’s gone viral this month.

James Loveless, who died earlier this month at the age of 60, has received a whole lot of love thanks to an unfiltered remembrance penned by one of his sons. …

The obit of the Kentucky grandfather and “proud owner of a few lots in the trailer park” has been viewed more than 700,000 times since it was posted after he “had had enough and up and died on us on June 14th.”

“We’ve never had an obituary like this,” one of the Pulaski Funeral Home directors, Michelle Godbey, told The Post Wednesday. 

She noted most obits get only on average 1,500 views. 

Those 70,000 views are for good reason. I'll skip the introduction since it deals with election integrity which, while fine for a dead guy, is a rake no non-political blogger needs to be stepping on. Here's the rest:

As a gluttonous eater of fried foods and snack cakes, as well as the occasional chili cheese dog, James, tried in vain to give up the ghost by clogging his arteries and having a stroke in 2015. His twin boys, Rocky and Rodney, had other plans and made him go to the hospital. While waiting in the ER at the hospital, he was heard saying, "Let's make a break for it!", only to be heard by one of the hospital staff and forced to go through the procedure. He wasn't too excited about the prospect, but went anyway.

On many occasions in life, James was seen in his back yard at the trailer park during the early hours of the morning, hammering beers, standing over country-style ribs, and yelling, "It's got a head like a cat on it!", while nearby neighbors would peek out their windows bearing looks of disgust and amazement, as his party guests were slurring remarks about needing to speed up his cooking style. "We've been here since 5 o'clock," they would say. "I've got work in the morning."

We don't know if he was married, but he definitely was a lady's man. There was Kathy, Mary Lou, Tammy, Debra, Carrie, Tina, etc., etc. "It's the bones", he told us as proudly pointed his skinny, pasty-white legs. "Women love a good shin". We think he might even have some females waiting for him on the other side. Jamie loved his family more than anything else in the world…except ice-cold Busch, room-temperature Busch, T-bones, New York strip, prime rib, shrimp, swimming, poker, hatch-back Mustang GTs, tank-tops, Kentucky Men's basketball, and his personal copy of Eddie Murphy's Raw.

He leaves behind his second-favorite son, Rocky(and Lizeth) Loveless of Arizona City, AZ, his favorite son, Rodney Loveless of Science Hill, KY, a younger brother, Joey, and unofficial daughter Melissa(and Coy) Vance of the trailer park, as well as a pair of old boxers which have 'Buttweiser the King of Rears' printed on the design. He will be moderately missed.

And that, dearly beloved, is why we are gathered here today. To pay tribute to this obviously great man. James Loveless was truly one of nature's noblemen. Loveless in name only. Someone who was self actualized in ways the rest of us can only aspire to be. I mean, is there a better way to say it than, "had had enough and up and died on us"? The gluttonous eating. The fried food and snack cakes. All day cookouts. I don't know what had a head like a cat on it, but who among us wouldn't have loved to be there to find out? And there would've no looks of disgust and amazement coming from my direction, I can assure you. It's pretty obvious what the ladies saw in James, and it went way beyond his shins. 

We should all be so blessed as to be remembered like this. Not defined by what we do for a living, but by how we live. Many people of power, fame and fortune get sent to their final resting place with elaborate tributes. But I'll celebrate Loveless' common touch any day of the week. He'll be moderately missed, but this world was never meant for one as beautiful as him. 

With all due respect to Queen Elizabeth's state funeral, "Buttweiser the King of Rears" is my kind of royalty. Long live the king.