Watch Me Try To Finish A Standup Set While A Lady In The Front Row Basically Gives Her Date A Handjob

A month ago, I was in San Francisco with Lil Sas performing at the venerable Cobb's Comedy Club. The shows were great, the audiences were great, and the club is spectacular. However, during the Saturday late show, we encountered a particularly drunk crowd. They were hootin' and hollerin' and yelling out all sorts of meaningless nonsense: "GAME OF THRONES! PORTNOY! HARVARD! ONE BITE! SAS DON'T MISS!" 

All fine. All good. We kept on. Stay on top of them, talk over them, they'll tire out and eventually fall in line. Or so I thought. 

A lady sitting in the absolute front row, dead center of the stage, started waving her arms around and yelling as she sipped her drink through her straw. Once again, pure nonsense. No awareness whatsoever that a comedy show was taking place. I tried to ignore her. Then a member of the staff came up and warned her quietly to shut up. Then I asked her nicely to be quiet. Then she put her bare feet on the stage. 

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Next, she started making out with the guy next to her. I would later learn that these two did not know each other. They were not on a date. They did not come together. They simply were seated next to each other and brimming with juices. For soon, she had climbed onto his lap and was legitimately facing away from the stage, her back to me, dry-humping him with her tongue down his throat. 

And then she stuck her hands down his shorts and pulled his penis out. I was told this later by the staff, as by this point I was trying my best to ignore her. They saw his penis. They saw it, and they said something. I didn't see it and I wish that I had. It would have been nice to see. 

So we've got a lady shredding this dude's hog in the front row. I'm up there fumbling through jokes. The inmates are running the asylum. Thank God the staff at Cobb's is as good as they are. They kicked them out in short order, and we limped to the end.

Please, in the future, if you're going to perform a handjob in the relative darkness of a comedy club, do it towards the back rows. I'll send over the napkins and get you a fresh round of drinks myself.