Dumping Them Out: I'm Retiring From Mushrooms

Welcome back to another episode of Dumping Them Out. Sometimes I like to treat this blog as a form of therapy for myself. I don't just want to dump out my random thoughts or stories into a regular blog. But if I break up my bullshit thoughts/stories with a series of 10-14 Boob GIFs, then I don't feel as bad because people can just look at the GIFs instead of having to read my stupid words.

That being said, in some personal news, I am officially retiring from mushrooms. I had arguably the worst drugs experience of my life on Friday. I went over to the Won Ton Don's house after work with about 10ish other Barstool people. It was super casual, everyone was just hanging out by the river having a few drinks and smoking some weed. It was essentially a picnic. Donnie had us over for a picnic. 

And what better way to enjoy a picnic with your pals than by taking some mushrooms. On the way to his place I passed smoke shop. I walked in and said, "Do you sell mushrooms?" and they said. "Yes we do, right in this case over here, which mushrooms would you like?" (it's still hilarious to me that they just openly sell shrooms over the counter).

But I didn't think anything of it. I've taken plenty of shrooms in my life, and I usually enjoy them. There's always a minute of the trip where you feel uncomfortable as they start to kick in, but then they wash over you and it's kind of nice. At some point a couple hours in there will probably be 30 minutes of bad anxiety, but that comes with the territory. It always goes away soon enough. Overall it's almost always enjoyable time.

As soon as I left the smoke shop, I ate 3 squares off the 15 square chocolate bar. Which according to the handy "how much shrooms should I eat" chart on the back of the packaging was supposed to "stimulate the mind." I thought it was going to be a delightful Friday evening.

I was so wrong. I can't even put into words how dumb this chocolate bar made me. I've never felt anything like it in my life. The shrooms did nothing cool for me. I wasn't happy, or laughing, or seeing anything cool, they truly just turned me into the dumbest human in the United States for about 3 hours. At one point we took a walk along the river, and I was attempting to converse with people. I had become so phenomenally dumb that I literally could barely string together a sentence. Someone would say something to me, I'd start to respond, then completely forget what I was talking about. It wasn't like I could eventually get my thought out either. I'd say three words and just lose my train of thought entirely. It wasn't a bad trip in the sense that I was nervous, or anxious. I just got very very very very dumb.

Being that incredibly stupid around that group of people was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. I don't know if it was just a bad batch of chocolate drugs or what. Because I've done them plenty of times and have never had that happen. I suppose the PolkaDot Chocolate Mushrooms Bar Company might not have the best internal controls when mass producing their illegal psychedelics. Whatever the reason, it was awful. Never again. I turned should have been a pleasant day in the park with some friends from work turned into a masterclass of how not to be in a social situation. So be careful people. Maybe the shady smoke shops across New York City aren't as safe as they appear. I'm officially retired from mushrooms. Unless I decide to change my mind. 

Sorry about that. Just had to get that off my chest. The key to getting over embarrassing moments is talking about them publicly so everyone knows that you realize how embarrassing it was. Here are some extra GIFs as an apology.

Question: Say you're a life long Red Sox fan, but you've never been able to see them play live. You finally got tickets for your birthday for today's game against the New York Yankees. You finally get to see the Sox play at Fenway Park. If you show up to the game, and they're wearing the yellow and blue jerseys, are you at least a little bit upset?

I feel like I would be a little bummed out. When you pictured this moment in your mind, the Red Sox were either wearing red or white. You never picture them in yellow and blue. I just feel like I'd be kind of like, "Aw, shit.." if I finally got to go to a Red Sox game and it doesn't look like how I thought it would.

NOTE: I've been informed that the jerseys have something to do with the Boston Marathon bombing. I didn't know that. But I already typed out my take so I can't take it back now. Also I've learned they're 18-4 when wearing these jerseys, so that kind of changes things. But still, it's always a little shocking to see.

I'm submitting this blog right before Ricky Fowler tees off Sunday at the U.S. Open. Looking at the leaderboard right now, here's a ranking of who I'd like to see win

1. Ricky Fowler - never won a major, kinda fell off the face of the earth for a minute there, would be awesome to see him do it
2. Rory McIlroy - I just like Rory. Feels like he took a pretty large L with the whole PGA/LIV merger so I'd like to see him do it
3. Tommy Fleetwood - his day is almost over so there's almost 0% chance he does it, but he's played his ass off today
4. Xander Schauffele - Cool name. Like the guy in Real Bros of Simi Valley, which is a fantastic show if you've never seen it
5. Scottie Scheffler - I don't even have much of an opinion on him other than he's a good golfer and seems like a good enough guy
6. Dustin Johnson - I should love Dustin Johnson more than I do. He's married to a Gretzky and loves cocaine, both things that are cool. But idk I've just never been a big fan. Nothing against him, I just never find myself cheering for him
7. Harris English - I hate the first name Harris. He also just hit the worst opening drive I've ever seen. I'm not interested in him winning
8. Wyndham Clark - No thank you.

So the winner is going to be one of the people I didn't mention. Congratulations to Ryutaro Nagano.