I'm On A Mission To Build The Funniest Baseball Card Collection Known To Man

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It's baseball season baby! The NFL Draft and NBA Playoffs are in the rear view and I thought I'd celebrate our national pastime getting the spotlight by showing off a very particular type of baseball card collection I've procured over time. You see, there's a wide open sea of hilarious baseball cards printed over the past 100 plus years and I'm on a mission to collect the funniest of the bunch. I'm proud of the haul I've acquired at this point and excited to add to it. Let's get started and happy baseball season!

You can have your '52 Mantle or your T206 Honus Wagner. I'm more than happy holding on to my:

Probably should have warmed you guys up at least before leading straight off with the Dick Pole, but you can just see on his face this is a guy that likes to make an entrance. You better believe the moment he walks into the party it won't be long before he finds himself between a couple Rusty Kuntz.

But there's more to my collection than just funny names. There's players with a funny story and a funny name. For instance, I found the stankiest looking Eddie Stanky card replete with a burnt corner that appears to have been attempted to be fixed with tape. Someone probably tried to burn this guy's card into flames and you're about to understand why. 

Eddie "The Brat" was every bit of the annoying little twerp seething out of that face above. He looks like he's watching you frantically search for your car keys after sneakily taking them the moment before. I recently learned from a Secret Base video that he is the reason there's an MLB rule disallowing defensive players from jumping around and waving their arms to distract the batter. One of those rules you read and instantly know it was added because of some singular fuck. Reminds me of a lawn mower I once saw with a warning label that read "do not use to cut hair". These are not rules that get put into version 1. 

Anyway, I wonder if all this might have been the very start of the "no fun" league traditionalist baseball movement. If Eddie Stanky is the subconscious reason all the old baseball prudes get so mad when someone shows any hint of doing something outside the norm and having fun, I sorta get it. If you don't sorta get it, go ahead and look up at that face one more time. 

What's next? Oh yeah, I'm more than happy to waive my HIPAA rights and let you take a good look at my 

Remember, you'll never be allowed to get past second base with a Stubby Clapp. Get that checked out. He should be lucky to at least ever find himself there. 

Speaking of medical conditions what's the deal with Steve?

Shrewd move by Steve to stick with a team that used pinstripe uniforms. Also maybe "fashion of the 80s" Twitter can chime in, but is that a half turtle-neck? I can't stop looking at it trying to figure out what it is. I think that's his entire purpose. Very shrewd Steve. 

Of course, no baseball card collection is complete without the ole Fuck Face.

This card is actually semi valuable since they stopped production of it and started blackening out the butt of the bat after realizing what it said. The story here is that Billy wrote this on his BP bats to identify which were his and some random guy tapped him on the shoulder during BP before a game to ask for a picture. Evidently that guy worked for Fleer. Billy says it was all big accident but I can't help but notice just how almost perfectly angled he's holding the bat to be able to read it without turning your head. 

Speaking of turning heads. 

Question for anyone that grew up in the 80s/early 90s. How many ball sacks touched a leg press on a given day at the gym? There's just no way those garters are holding anything in. And absolutely no chance did Nolan authorize this picture. He looks like some kid ran into the locker room with a Polaroid to snap this before he even knew what happened. The fit Nolan must have thrown lead to the card company making it right with perhaps the most badass card photo of all time during that same year. 

If that's the best baseball pose of all time, what's the worst? Popular consensus will tell you it's this 1996 Pinaccle Bob Hamelin (left).

This card was featured in Jon Bois' "The Bob Emergency" and is so universally agreed upon as the worst card of all time that it sells for hundreds of dollars in gem mint 10 condition. The square Sears studio light reflecting off his Dennis Nedry glasses is a nice touch. My favorite part is that he's doing everything humanly possible for you to just know his name. That's all he ever wanted. He knew he wasn't that good. I mean dear God look at his rookie card to the right. Is this from a professional baseball game or Thursday night softball club? I know that face too. That's the face you make when you spot someone who's climbing up something they probably shouldn't and as they start falling you don't have time to get out of the way and realize you have no earthly clue what to do. That's Bob Hamelin in the card to the right. 

Again, Bob just wanted proof to his friends that he played in the MLB. That's why he's holding a giant card with his name on it even if it's partially blocked. But Bob was prepared as he also wrote his name on the inside of his cap raised just enough with his head tilted back just enough for you to read it. Bob did a fantastic job in proving to his friends he was on a baseball card. I'm sure his friends have never forgotten about it nor have let Bob forget about it. 

Terry Felton on the other hand would be very much happy if everyone in the world forget he played major league baseball. This 1983 Topps gives his entire career's worth of statistics including the record for most innings pitched and games lost without ever winning.

Imagine being the guy responsible for writing the hype narrative on the back of the card. Sure, he was a bad starting pitcher, but check out these three good games we found as a reliever! 

Then there's Chris Davis who set the all time worst batting average in 2018 with a .168. Props to the guy that found that one game he did good for the back of the card. That's big league baseball card back writing. 

A few other good ones to touch on above and bring this home. You have Barry Bonds literally getting posterized by a fan snagging the ball from him. You have Bobby Grich maintaining the proper stance to pinch (run with) one out. But what is going on in the bottom left? Upper Deck literally hired that one parent you have who simply will never learn to move their finger over the camera before taking a photo. But while one finger is visible in the frame, the real question is about Mark Grace's finger that isn't visible. This card is why men everywhere don't get prostate exams when they should. Chuck is seriously uncomfortable and if you ask me, Mark appears to be giving him a little too much Grace. Welcome to the friendly confines Chuck. 

They don't make baseball cards of players wives but I still have one of Roger Clemens' better half. That's Mark McGwire below so the plan is to somehow get this miscut card autographed by both players one day. 

That's the vault for now. I'll leave you will the following lessons to be learned from this collection.

1. If you want to prove to your friends you played a professional sport, maybe try not looking like the guy that picks you up at baggage claim

2. If you're having butt problems, bring out the striped pants for plausible deniability

3. Terry Felton played major league baseball even if he tells you he didn't

4. Cancel any proctology appointment with a Dr. Grace 

That's it for this year. Let me know what cards I need to add for next year. For now, I'll be working on a similar collection for football season. 

- Jeffro